My dear readers, it may be cold outside, but in the gossip-sphere, things are just heating up. And it’s getting hot-hot-hot. This week, Mark Wahlberg claimed he could’ve stopped 9/11. Khloe Kardashian started getting knocked up. And Jay-Z started writing poetry? Let’s bundle up, cut the jibber-jabber and get down to the dirty details!

Lights, Camera, and ACTION!

Mark Wahlberg is many things. He is a consummate actor. He’s an accomplished producer. He’s a platinum-selling recording artist. But, above all else, he is a douche. A big one. And, lest you forget, he shot his mouth off to Men’s Journal about, what else, 9/11.

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Yeah, that’s what would’ve saved us on 9/11: More Marky Mark. Because nothing scares a terrorist more than b-boy style. All this time, we’ve been fighting Al-Qaeda with bombs when all we really needed was a little LFO. Ah, terrorism. It may rob us of our innocence and security, but it’ll never rob us of our dipsh*ts.

99 Problems But Verse Ain’t One!

Ever since the birth of his daughter Blue Ivy Carter, Jay-Z has discovered a new appreciation for women. (Seriously, he just now appreciates women? He’s been fcking them for decades and been married since 2008, but he’s just suddenly thought to appreciate them? Anyhoo...) In a poem written to his new offspring, the rapper-turned-mogul-turned-daddy recently declared he would no longer use the word “btch.

Hold up. Jay-Z said he wouldn’t say “btch” in a poem? What a little btch. That is the btchiest way ever to say you’re not going to say “btch.” That’d be like getting on the phone to protest long distance rates. But, I digress.

In the poem, Hova writes, “Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/ I didn’t think hard about using the word b*tch/ I rapped it, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/ Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it.”

So, Jay-Z now respects women so much he won’t call them b*tches. Not to be outdone, Mike Tyson said that since the birth of his daughter, he respects women so much that he’s stopped raping them. So, it’s an all-around good day for women.

Girly-Girl!

“The New Girl” star Zooey Deschanel may not burn her bras or grow out her leg hair, but she’s a feminist through and through. And, as she recently told Allure, she’s sick of women being judged for being too feminine.

“I don’t know why femininity should be associated with weakness. Women should be free to express who they are without thinking, ‘I need to act like a man,’ or ‘I need to tone it down to be successful.’ That’s a very good way to keep women down.”

I don’t know why anyone would think of women as weaker than men. If you need proof that they’re just as strong, watch any WNBA game. I watched a real nail-biter last week that went into triple overtime. The final score: 7-5.

Khloe’s Got a Bun in Her Kardashian!

Rumors flew fast and furious this week that Khloe Kardashian and husband Lamar Odom have begun fertility treatments, and, as always, whenever anyone says anything about Khloe, she responded with a full-out denial on Twitter. “Because there seems to be much speculation, here is my statement... I am not at this time in my life considering any type of treatments. If and when I do, I will shout it from the rooftops but for now its [sic] in Gods [sic] hands.”

It’s in God’s hands? Really? Is Khloe Kardashian so narcissistic that she really believes God is concocting a plan for Lamar Odom’s semen? Like, the next time Lamar spooges inside her, God’s divine hand will guide his boys through Khloe’s clam of a clap-trap? I may not know God personally, but I’m pretty sure even he finds that rather [sic].

#TwitterPatter!

Sure, you can take my word for it, or you can get your Hollywood 4-1-1 straight from the horse’s mouth. Here’s what the celebrities were tweeting this week.

Paris Hilton: Off to a crazy day of business meetings.

Oh, right, “business meetings.” Wink I feel you, sister. Last Saturday, I had so much “business meetings” that I wound up in Utah with a bloody nose and an insatiable urge to grind my teeth. But, hey, it’s worth it ‘cause you can f*ck all night on “business meetings.” Am I right? Am I right?

Bruno Mars: :-)

Always the wordsmith.

Audrina Patridge: Home cooked meals are the best!

coughAndTheOnlyOnesYouCanAfford* coughGetAJobcough*