By Joseph IvanPosted May 2, 2012
Dear readers, even though the school year is winding down, that doesn’t mean the celebrity bullsh*t is; in fact, the rumor mill was on mother-humpin’ overdrive! Kristen Stewart was named best dressed, Matthew McConaughey was named best assed and Lindsay Lohan was named worst, well, everything. Let’s get down to the dirty details!
Bella Swan Dive!
This week, Glamour released its list of the best-dressed women in Hollywood. Coming in at No. 1 was “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart, followed by Emma Watson, Victoria Beckham, Kate Middleton and... Hold up.
Kristen Stewart was named best dressed? Seriously? ‘Cause suddenly goopy eye makeup and 13 shades of black count as good fashion? Sweet lord. I’m not saying this is a sign the world will end in 2012, but it is a sign it probably should.
Us Weekly reports that Lindsay Lohan’s Comeback Tour made a stop by the “Glee” set this week, where Linsanity filmed a cameo for an upcoming episode.
And – get this – Lindsay was totally professional and on time. Oh, no wait. She wasn’t on time. She was on peyote.
“Lohan, 25, angered Glee’s cast and crew when she showed up six hours late to shoot her scenes Wednesday.
‘She came to work with a million demands and was not prepared to work,’ a source [said]... ‘The cast is already worked to death and then she puts everything behind. She is a diva!’”
You know, this reminds me of that old fable of the scorpion and the beetle. You see, the beetle was on a riverbank, desperately needing to get to the other side.
So, this scorpion comes up and is all, “Yeah, I'll give you a ride.” And the beetle was like, “Fine, but you’d better not sting me, motherfcker.” And the scorpion was like, “I won’t. Obvs.” And the beetle was like, “You better not. You better not. I swear to fcking Jesus T. Christ, you’d better not."
And then the scorpion stung him. Or gave him dating advice. I don’t remember. Anywho, point being, c’mon “Glee.” C’mon. Well said, me.
One More Thing...
In other Lohan news, The Washington Post reports Lindsay will be appearing at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner. In her finest catering jacket.
I Know Who You Did Last Summer!
Us Weekly announced this week that “Ringer” star Sarah Michelle Gellar and husband Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting their second child. Although the couple has not yet decided on a name for their new offspring, I can only hope they bestow the baby with Sarah’s most common nickname.
So, we’ll be seeing you this fall, “Hey-Buffy-Buffy-Buffy-Remember-You-Played-Buffy-Remember-That-What-Have-You-Done-Since?-The-Ringer-Never-Heard-of-It” Gellar.
Shake That Assless!
Vulture reports that for his upcoming stripper flick “Magic Mike,” Matthew McConaughey specially designed his own assless chaps. In a related story, I designed my own brand of crotchless man-panties for, well, date night. ‘Cause my sh*t’s gots ta breathe.
Jessica Simpson is ready to burst. With song? No, with baby, moron. According to In Touch, the mega-preggo has-been is so close to giving birth that she’s laying out instructions for those bringing gifts to her delivery room.
“Jessica Simpson has instructed her family and friends to forget flowers, candy and balloons when she gives birth and requested a $500 bottle of scotch! Jessica adores The Macallan 18, but for her special delivery, she asked for The Macallan 30, a single-malt scotch that is aged for a minimum of 30 years. ‘That’s Jessica’s champagne,’ a friend explains of the hard liquor. ‘She stopped drinking as soon as she found out she was pregnant but couldn’t wait to have a glass of scotch on the rocks.’”
Much like Anne Hathaway is the modern-day Audrey Hepburn, Jessica Simpson is the modern-day Yosemite Sam. Sweet Pappy, that girl is so G*ddamn bumpkin. Scotch in the delivery room? But it’s really expensive scotch so that makes it not white trash, right? Right? I can just imagine the invitation: “Come celebrate the joyful gift of life. And bring booze. ‘Cause we’re getting as wrecked as Jessica’s vagina!”
When it comes to the Hollywood 4-1-1, you can take my word for it, or you can get it straight from the horse’s mouth. Here’s what the celebs tweeted this week.
Khloe Kardashian: I skip in the playground in stead of go on the swings... I’m just that type of girl.
I properly conjugate verbs instead of sounding like a moron... I’m just that type of guy.
Aggro Santos: La la la la la la la la la!!
Thank God Twitter was invented so you could finally get that message out to the world.
Taylor Swift: I made salmon. @dakotahrae made a scissor necklace.
Is there any way that this isn’t a lesbian reference? Out ‘n’ proud, girrrrl!