It’s officially snuggle weather,” said my friend Sam one day.

“Huh?” I said.

“Snuggle weather. Gotta get me a cuddle buddy,” he said.

I had had enough. I don’t like not understanding things.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked.

“Snuggle weather. When the weather gets chilly enough to where you start wanting someone to cuddle with,” he said.

Sam had been single for a while, but he wasn’t the type to screw around. Sure he had sex a few times when out of relationships, but it wasn’t really something he wanted to make habitual, or even occasional.

So when I hear Sam use “cuddle,” I think just that. Cuddling. But he’s a man. A man gotta do what a man gotta do, know what I mean? So I decided to ask just in case.

“No. Strictly cuddling,” he answered. “It’s cold. I want the closeness of someone there. Someone I know. But no sex. It has the ability to get too awkward.”

Let’s take a moment to rebuild Sam’s manhood, as he stressed the need to do so himself.

“I mean it’s not like I don’t want to have sex. I do,” he said. “I like sex. Any man likes sex. Of course I want sex. But I don’t want sex with the person I’m cuddling with.”

OK then. Now let’s go back.

There’s only one issue that snags Sam’s cuddle buddy plan. And that issue was sneaky little vaginas that did want the sex. And badly.

“I had tried the cuddle buddy thing before with girls, and it’s like all they wanted was to bone,” he said. “And I tried it with women I’ve had sex with before, but—go figure—that’s all they wanted too.”

So, during Sam’s cuddle-buddy selection process, previous sex partners and cuddle buddies are off the list because they expect sex. And people he doesn’t know are off the list because he wants the cuddle buddy to be someone he cares about, not a stranger who might question his sanity or his sexuality upon hearing the request.

These bad qualities in cuddle buddies aren’t just based on Sam’s interests; they’re pretty standard. So if you’re looking for a cuddle buddy, you need to know what constitutes a good one, and how to go about setting rules for the cuddle-buddy relationship.

Well, kittens, a good cuddle buddy is someone who is a friend, preferably a close one, who knows the relationship is strictly platonic. This person cares for your feelings and intentions enough to ignore any sexual impulse that may unexpectedly ... ahem ... arise. A cuddle buddy should also be someone with whom you have hung out before, just the two of you, without awkwardness. These traits allow for a line that doesn’t have to be awkwardly designated via conversation.

However, sh*t happens. So when you’re hard up for a cuddle buddy, you may find yourself calling on that ex you miss or that ex who makes you laugh. If you do call on one of these people, the “no sex!” line must be glued in place—hell, cement that f***er down— so that both of you know not to cross it. Though it’s more awkward, it’s necessary so that you avoid any sexual awkwardness down the road.

But the big ass magenta elephant in the room is the age-old wondering of if it’s even possible to have a cuddy buddy. I mean, even if we can adhere to these guidelines with iron-clad genitalia, or slap on a chastity belt during the times we can’t, at the end of the day there are two people lying in a bed. Snuggling. With nether regions fairly close. Even if you can keep your cool under this pressure, maybe the other person doesn’t want to, and attempts seduction. Likely outcome: penetration.

Sam’s wants are completely understandable. It’s been slow getting here, but it’s definitely snuggle weather in C-bus. And as such, the desire for a buddy to keep you—and your heart—warm is high and ever increasing as the temperature continues to drop (Before someone bitches, I am noting that this is not true for everyone). But the realities of having a snuggle-weather cuddle buddy are akin to the realities of having a successful FWB: It takes hard work at keeping the relationship under the initial guidelines and with the initial intentions and emotions. If you make it work, that’s great. But the chances of it working out the way it’s planned are slim, and when the plan has crashed and burned, you’re stuck cuddling—or “cuddling”—yourself.

Whippin’ out the body pillow,

Stella