Aries: A relationship will sour this week. Don’t add fuel to the fire by trying to make it work. In the end, she’s just going to stab you in the back, anyway. No, really. Like “Law & Order SVU” stabbed in the back/found in the park/had their way with your body.

Taurus: This week, you may run into some red tape. Damn EPA and their silly rules about where to dispose of nuclear waste! What do they know about gaining superpowers, anyway? So the last three guys who tried it got super cancer. So what?

Gemini: New gadgets on the shelf will catch your eye this week, but resist the urge to pull out the wallet. Those gadgets are working a sweet grift, and the second the wallet comes out, an electric carving knife that’s down on its luck is going to shank you for the $35 cash you keep in there.

Cancer: This week, try not to think about the one that got away. Instead, focus on the five you managed to successfully restrain in your basement.

Leo: You may want to keep an eye on things this weekend, because emotions may get out of hand. More specifically, they’ll get out of hand, into a 9mm, and then into the chest cavity of the one who you think is trying to steal your cattle, despite the fact that you own no cattle.

Virgo: The roots of a personal conflict with your lover this week run deeper than you think. See, you think it all started when you forgot your one-year anniversary, when in actuality, the problems began on the second date. It’s tough to mend that rift, but if there’s anyone for the job, it’s a sociopath like you.

Libra: This week, a downturn in your health could cause trouble. Not to mention, the wolves that have been surrounding your house can smell it, and for reasons unknown, someone has taught them to operate doorknobs. Yep…you’ve got a lot of enemies, my friend.

Scorpio: You may find yourself ignoring your intuition this week. Then again, so will everyone else. The ironic part is that you’ve intuitively decided to ignore your intuition, so it’s pretty tough to tell what the hell’s going on, because sh*t’s gotten all metaphysical.

Sagittarius: You’ll feel overcome by financial burdens this week. So will the Russian Mafia, to which you owe most of your financial burdens. Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for you, they have ways to relieve that burden, and judging by the bats they’re carrying, this relief will not translate to you.

Capricorn: You will discover this week that money is the answer to all your problems. Just one more step in your slow and perverted descent into becoming Mitt Romney.

Aquarius: This has been a tough couple of weeks for you, but this week, you will be reborn. It won’t bode well for your mother’s birth canal. It also won’t bode well for your psyche, your father’s sex life and a very surprised midwife. It will bode well for the tabloids, though.

Pisces: When you look around this week, you may get the impression that your world is coming to an end. Fear not. You’ve still got a good 11 months until that happens. Oh, and as a bonus, quitting smoking isn’t as pressing as you may think.