Last week we talked about “cuddle buddies,” friends whose benefits solely include cuddling. The column focused on the “cuddle buddy” pioneer—or the only man bold enough to admit that he wants that kind of relationship—Sam.

Sam’s boldness won him a spot in the hearts of many a reader, with one reader in particular emailing about him:

_Dear Stella,

Where can I find Sam? Seems like boys only just want to f*** these days. The world (or at least Columbus) needs more boys like this.

Concerned Girl._

CG is right. It seems all we ladies see around here are douches who just want to bone and eat Pita Pit. But rest assured there are Sams around these parts, and there are more than you think!

It's like searching on the beach for awesome looking pebbles you want to keep. The Sams are in the same places as the other shtty pebbles (let's face it, Pita Pit's good). You just have to know how to pick through the shtty ones to get to the good'uns. And that's not easy.

But CG and people like her don’t have to ponder any longer. Doing my column duty, I am taking 700 words to share where Sams may hang out and how finding a Sam is doable—so long as you have your bullsh*t detector on hand. So switch that f***er on, ladies and gents, and let’s get to Sam-hunting 101: What red flags to look for when gauging a man for Sam-ness.

Look at the Level of Awkwardness

Some men buy women drinks and engage in chatter that might lead to the awkward hey-can-I-steal-your-phone-number question. The key word here is “awkwardness:” it may be the first clue you’re talking to a Sam.

I’m not talking shifty, googly-eyed, fast-talking awkwardness that would put Mr. Bean to shame. I mean the subtle nervousness that indicates this man is not a charmer who’s done this a lot. Rico Suave, for instance, would rattle off sweet, clever words and touch your hips with unbridled arrogance. This may feel nice, but this man is no Sam.

Pay Attention

Don’t go all “To Catch a Predator” on him for looking at a pretty girl, but do notice his eyes when you’re chatting. This one is obvious, gals and gents. If he’s too busy consistently looking around the room rather than looking at you, chances are he’s not interested in you, what you have to say or even your nibbly bits.

He’s making sure he’s going to have the best night possible, and is willing to drop you when signs of a better night—be it with his friends or a hotter person—come calling. If he’s a Sam, he’s engaged in the conversation, looking at you and genuinely showing interest. But even here we have to be weary, so let’s focus on the conversation aspect, shall we?

Let Him Talk

It’s said that the guy should let his prospective conquest talk about themselves, and that he should ask questions to show “interest.” But that interest could be, “Hey, I think you’re pretty and cool to talk to,” or, “I just want to bone you, so penis-poking and post-coital Pita Pit or GTFO.”

And men can be stealthy creatures, so you may not know which “interest” he’s showing. For this kind of stealth action, employ Operation No-Takesies-Backsies, which means letting him talk until he accidentally shares the red flags (arrogance, creepiness, just-wants-to-bone interest) that you needed to weed this guy out of the “good pebble” pile. And when he realizes what he’s done, the words have already escaped and there can be no “taksies-backsies.”

A Sam would elicit no red flags. If anything, his worst traits are his love for iced toddies and his not-so-slight clumsiness.

Like CG said, the world (including C-bus) needs more Sams. But there are already many Sams out there; the trick is to be ever-vigilant and ever-knowledgeable in how you go about finding one. Because let’s face it: You’ve got a lot of penises—I mean pebbles—to sort through to find your Sam. You’ll need as many stealthalicious (and Stellalicious) tricks up your sleeve as possible to help you in your quest.

Donning my night-vision goggles,

Stella