Jason Cocca is on leave for the summer, but the blog will continue to be updated by the UWeekly staff.

The boutique on South Campus Gateway, which was opened by two OSU graduates, has closed its doors on 1552 N. High St. Au Moda’s business model was based on providing affordable high fashion clothing from brand names from French Connection to Kenneth Cole.

Au Moda also hosted fashion shows and participated in community events such events included the Race for the Cure, which aims to raise awareness about breast cancer; and the Holiday Card Celebration, during which cards were decorated to children with terminal illnesses.

UWeekly is on site and will post updates of further developments.

Where some may see extravagant overspending on material items, I see the underlying investment genius of hip hop’s biggest stars.

You’ve probably seen it too; you just don’t realize it yet.

Look familiar?

Of course it does. You’ve seen it almost everyday since you were probably old enough to remember what rap was. It’s a millionaire rapper wearing huge gold and platinum chains, iced out watches and bracelets, and gigantic pinky rings that probably cost more than all of your possessions combined.

I (and I suspect many of you) used to think that they were idiots for buying all of that jewelry (See: MC Hammer bankruptcy), but recently it just occurred to me how ingenious their purchases really were.

Take the song “Bling Bling,” which was released in 1999 and started a huge wave of icy gear purchases from hip hop mega stars. Now let’s look at some numbers…

Price of platinum (per ounce) in 1999: $350

Price of platinum (per ounce) now: $1150

(click to enlarge)

Question: How many of you have gotten a 328% return on your investment over the past 10 years? Even after the market crash earlier in the year, the 100-day moving average is now trending up once again.

They’ve disguised themselves as trend-setters, but I see right through the masquerade. Hell, if they would have sold their bling (or investments as I like to call them) last year around this time, they would have seen a 642% return. Warren Buffet ain’t got shit on that. 

Gold is essentially the same story. Diamonds? Fuggetaboutit 

It kind of brings new meaning to the line, “I’ve got a house around my wrist,” because now they actually have three houses around their wrists.

I find it kind of ironic how white middle class America scoffed at the eccentricities of these artists while they were taking out a second mortgage on the house that they couldn’t afford. Little did they know what the next 10 years would bring…

Guess who’s laughing now…

You tell me.

-Jason F. Cocca

PS-Lil Wayne’s next single: Recession Proof

The Five Guys in the South Campus Gateway opened today and there was already a line out the door. Rightly so considering their burgers are delicious (and perhaps the greasiest creation ever). If you haven’t been to a Five Guys you should definitely check it out, but prepare yourself. I wouldn’t plan on doing any physical activity for several hours after eating one of their burgers.

Speaking of physical activity, I was running past the bar formerly known as “Larry’s” and now formerly known as “Senor Buckeyes,” and to my amazement the establishment is now called “Sloppy Donkey”

……………………………………………………………………..wow

Sloppy Donkey, eh?

Right then and there I made a promise to myself that I would never go to a place called Sloppy Donkey. I can’t tell you what to do one way or the other. All I know is that this is the most ridiculous name for a bar that I’ve ever come across. It even beats out Bento Go-Go Asian Yum Yum. If this place turns out to be awesome, then I will happily eat my words. But in this case I am definitely judging a book by its cover.

Will a real establishment please take the place of Larry’s? Please?

-Jason F. Cocca

So this new wing place just opened up where Steak n’ Shake used to be on High Street. I ventured over to check it out during my lunch break. Here’s my take:

It’s strikingly similar to BW-3’s, but a little bit cheaper.

They serve pretty much the same dishes (wings, boneless wings, chicken tenders, etc…). It’s pretty much everything you’d expect to find at a sports bar. The atmosphere feels just like BW-3’s. There are flat screen TV’s everywhere showing various sports. They’ve got a nice bar. I’m not sure about their drink specials yet, so I’ll get back to you guys.

As far as taste goes, I’m not sure if they’re going to find the same kind of brand loyalty that BW-3’s has. The food is good; it’s just a tiny bit different if you’re used to BW-3’s.

However, there is a price difference, which is a major selling point for me. I swore I would never go to BW-3’s again when they raised their boneless wings to $.60 (from $.30, then $.40, then $.50). Wings and Rings has boneless wings every Wednesday for $.49 and if they can keep their boneless wings below $.50, then I think they can take a chunk out of BW-3’s business.

All in all, this place get’s my endorsement. I can definitely get used to eating there instead of BW-3’s.

…Now if they can bring back smoky southwest sauce, then I’d really be impressed…

-Jason F. Cocca

PS- The new Five Guys in the Gateway is almost open.

Chances are you’ve seen commercials with people sitting in front of the camera with a smug look on their face, talking about how a lawyer saved them a bunch of money on their tax debt. Can you believe the stones on these people? The script to the commercial goes something like this:

Dumbfounded person: Hi, I’m a derelict to society. I racked up $100,000 dollars in back taxes because I’m fiscally irresponsible. I used to stay up at night trying to figure out how I was going to weasel my way out of being a responsible citizen. But now I can sit in my big backyard and drink tea with my derelict wife.

Tax relief lawyer: Do you hate paying taxes? Millions of poor schmucks pay their taxes on time every year, but why do that when you can simply take that money you would have paid and blow it on something frivolous? Like a jet ski, or a bright yellow polo shirt.

Dumbfounded person: These tax relief lawyers took all the tax debt I racked up and negotiated with the IRS to settle it for a fraction of the original amount. Rather than taking responsibility for my finances, I got off the hook and simultaneously contributed to the government’s economic crisis. Screw the military, public schools, and roads. Thanks tax relief people.

Tax Relief lawyer: Do you secretly want to contribute to the downfall of America? We’ve helped thousands of burdens to society suck on Uncle Sam’s tit. Give us a call at 1-888-ASS-HOLE. If you call within the next five minutes, we’ll create a pothole in the road, just for you. Taxes are for losers. Don’t pay them, call us.

These people look like they just got back from the country club and they’re on television talking about how they used to owe the government $120,000 and settled for $7,500 and a pack of gum. People might say that these tax debts would be uncollectable anyway so the IRS might as well settle for less money, but my point is that they should have paid their taxes in the first place. I got scared when I owed the state $45 in taxes last year. These people are talking about six digits!

Am I the only person who feels this way? It’s like I’m taking crazy pills or something. Unbelievable.

-Jason F. Cocca

PS-I love photoshop.

After I wrote about the facts of Swine Flu , I sat down and thought about what the ramifications could be for the world if it turned out to be the next super disease. Seeing as how the mass media has already taken this illness and elevated to the heights of the black plague, smallpox, and malaria, I figured I’d give my readers a little perspective (this is one of those times where I actually do some real journalism).

When I saw that Swine Flu had taken the life of a toddler, it made me wonder…

How many people die from the flu every year?

Answer: 36,000

Yep, 36,000 people die every year from just the regular ol’ run-of-the-mill influenza virus. And that’s just in the United States alone. So with that being said, let’s check the count:

Average Joe Flu: 36,000 people

Swine Flu: 1 baby

Oh my god!!!!! It’s an epidemic!!!! Run for your lives!!!!!!!!!! We’re all gonna die!!!!!!!!!! It killed a baby!!!!!!!!!!! Please sneeze into a plastic bag, seal it, and then throw it away!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking on behalf of the entire mass media, I would just like to apologize. You’re not going to die from Swine Flu. Carry on with your lives. If you end up getting the Swine Flu, you’ll probably be just fine. You can check out the devastating effect that this flu strain had back in 1976 for reference.

We’ll just add this to the pile along with bird flu and SARS.

Let’s go back to bitching about the economy.

-Jason F. Cocca

PS- Now that I’ve written this article, this virus is probably going to kill everything.

It isn’t often that I have the means to blow a justicey load all over some unsuspecting criminal, but today is my lucky day.

The man pictured below is believed to have broken into someone’s car last Thursday and, stolen a GPS system, radio, DVD system, and the victim’s wallet. Take a good look at him…

To add insult to injury, the suspect then proceeded to use the victim’s credit cards and rack up $700 worth of purchases. These surveillance photos were taken at 7/11 during one of the transactions. Bad move.

So, if you see this man roaming around the campus area, call the police. He’s wanted…

 -Jason F. Cocca

PS- I don’t encourage vigilante justice, unless it gets results.

So what has Mexico done for you lately?

By now you’ve no doubt heard about the swine flu epidemic. Luckily Ohio is one of six states with a confirmed case (New York, California, Indiana, Texas, and Kansas are the others). Yet another gift from Mexico to mankind. We’ll just add that to the pile of drug cartel killings and diarrhea water.

So without stealing anyone’s thunder in tomorrow’s issue of UWeekly, I’ll just run down the basic symptoms and leave you guys with a great quote concerning the outbreak.

Symptoms: Similar to the common influenza virus. The primary means of diagnosis is a review of who you’ve been in contact with in the past several days (i.e. swine, people with swine flu, Mexicans, etc…). If you’re feeling flu-ish you should get yourself checked out, especially considering that it’s almost May and cold and flu season is definitely in the rear-view mirror.

Great quote: “Based on the pattern of illness we’re seeing, we don’t think this virus can be contained.”

-Anne Schuchat, the CDC interim science and public health deputy director

We’re boned

-Jason F. Cocca

PS-Am I at risk because of my Mexican neighbors?

McDonald’s, BW-3’s, Arby’s, and now Tim Horton’s.

I’m boycotting all of these food chains until they bring my favorite foods back. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who is downtrodden about the extinction of my favorite dishes:

McDonald’s: The McRib (When is it coming back, fuckers?)

BW-3’s: Smoky Southwest Sauce (I’m not going back until I can enjoy $.30 boneless smoky southwest wings. Now wings are twice as expensive)

Arby’s: Buffalo Chicken Shaker (Another great idea down the shitter)

Tim Horton’s: Chicken Stew in a Bread Bowl (Et tu Brute? I can’t believe these Canadian fucks are making me eat my own words)

As you may recall I sold out two months ago when I retracted my disdain for Canada by wholeheartedly endorsing Tim Horton’s. The only reason I did it was because of the Chicken Stew in a Bread Bowl. I mean, come on. It’s a lot of soup and a lot of bread for not a lot of money. Where do you go wrong with that? Tim Horton’s was also conveniently opening a new location in the Gateway.

It was a match made in heaven.

But Tim Horton’s decided to be the 4th food chain to fuck me over by discontinuing one of my favorite foods.  So now I’m not only boycotting Tim Horton’s; I’m retracting all of my previously flattering statements, and inserting this one:

“Screw those Canadian bastards”

You’re next Panera

-Jason F. Cocca

PS- Now you can enjoy $.60 boneless wings at BW-3’s  every Thursday. What a deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy pot smoking day you freaking hippies!

Anything for an excuse to smoke more weed, right?

In the future, you can indulge your appetite from getting blazed up by going to the new 5 Guys joint opening up in the south campus gateway.

I ate at a 5 guys once while I was in D.C. and wow, there may still be remnants of grease coursing through my arteries. But if you’re into that sort of thing, then this is the place for you.

Enjoy.

-Jason F. Cocca

PS- I’m still sunburned from Saturday