For the record, I’ve tried to be as optimistic as possible regarding our economy throughout the past year. I watched CNN when all the analysts were crying that the sky was falling and that within 6 months we’d all be living in cardboard boxes, eating dry ramen noodles. Then I saw the same analysts come on the next day when the market was up 300 points, and say that we’d all be sipping rum on our private yachts in the Caribbean within 6 months.

But now we’re definitely in a recession, and people are saying will last at least through this year. Some are even calling it a depression. Granted, they’re the same people who were putting dreams of yachts and alcohol into our heads, so for all we know it could be over tomorrow. But depression? I don’t see anyone setting up shanty towns in Goodale Park (excluding Comfest). The only thing that I’m depressed about is how BW-3’s took Smoky Southwest Sauce off the menu and hasn’t brought it back yet. Other than that, I’m a regular ol’ ball of sunshine. So , let’s look at what we have going for us…shall we?

-New president, looks like he’s off to a good start, but it’s still very early

-An intelligent Speaker of the House

-The Rock of Love Bus

-Chuck Norris

-NFL Football

-Commercials with a four-eyed Koala getting punched in the face

-A badass military

-Superior hygiene standards

-Umm… Ohio State

-Clean water

-Coca Cola

-Metallica

-Me?

All conceited self promotion aside, we’re still pretty sweet. Maybe not as sweet as we were 6 months ago, but we could still kick France’s ass any day. Sure, we might have had 10 bank robberies in one month. And yes, I do tremble with fear while I’m ducking my head under the blankets in my securely locked apartment. But at least I still have an apartment, a refrigerator full of food (90% condiments), and the right to sit here and tell all of you to fuck off whenever I want (courtesy of UWeekly).

All I’m saying is that America has been through worse, but then we got our act together and kicked the crap out of some Nazi bastards. So let’s get it together people…

…and go kick the shit out of whoever is responsible for all of this!!!

-Jason F. Cocca

PS- I am a bank.

PPS- I wouldn’t tell you guys to fuck off. I love you guys.