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Michael Amann Says ...

The best resume advice: Lie

By Michael Amann

Times are tough. We young people are still being sent out into a job market that resembles hundreds of drowning amputees fighting for a couple scraps of wood. In this brutal world, there is only one thing that matters above all else. Quit your favorite hobbies, abandon your friends, alienate your family, give away your pets and burn your Facebook. In times like these you must be ever and solely mindful of your resume, or be lost forever in the river of uselessness. No time is too soon to begin a debilitating compulsion with this precious piece of paper.

Resumes are not about what you have done. Five years of hard work can go right down the drain with a lazy attempt at putting your life's work on paper. Similarly, a good shake at the ol' curriculum vitae can erase thousands of nights of drinking and drug use.

Many will give advice on this crucial document. Blindly follow all those suggestions - and the following - to get the upper hand in the awful rat race whose ferocity increases by the day:

First, you're probably going to have to lie. If you are reading this, chances are good that you don't have an Ivy League education. I'm not suggesting that you fake a Harvard degree. What you should do however, is consider that you are much more likely to get tossed on your ass for not having a well-rounded resume than ever getting called out on your bullsh*t. It's simple probability.

One thing potential employers love is service. With the surplus of amazing video games, only monks and the most ardent kiss-asses really have time to help their fellow man. Fortunately, aiding humanity is probably the easiest thing to fudge. A favorite trick of resume-padders everywhere is to log dozens of imaginary hours with dying people. No employer will be able to check your story, as all the people you never assisted will be well on their way to their eternal reward. Expert scammers know to check out the obituary section to land impressive fake charges.

Content is overrated, anyway. Some workaholic freak is always going to edge out your stats in any given job hunt. Remember, presentation is key. One of the most ghastly mistakes rookie job hunters make is in font selection. Failure in this department will result in months or even years of stark unemployment. If you think that using Comic Sans on your resume is acceptable, you might as well start cutting the fingers off your gloves now and get a book explaining the art of barrel fires. The font must be aesthetically pleasing yet business appropriate. A font too ugly and the recruiter will cast aside your precious resume in disgust. A font that appears to be over-thought and frilly will make you seem shallow and depraved. You must strike a balance.

Another overlooked factor in landing a job is your perceived social standing, especially if you land a possibly mythical non-scam job interview. Unless you're in engineering, no company wants to hire a nerd. They are not only looking to add a valued team member, but also a friend. However, employers are also notorious for axing anyone whose social media pages indicate the slightest indulgence in vice. Your resume should therefore subtly exude what those in the business call Puritan Loner Cool. You should hint at being hip while blatantly scorning partaking in alcohol, drugs, friends, tobacco, premarital sex, fun and skateboarding. Use Sandra Bullock in any movie ever as a guide for girls, and for dudes, whoever all the chicks like on "The Office." Also remember to not have any politics whatsoever, although you must hold voting in the highest regard. If pressed, convey a vague tolerance for all people but a slight distrust of any strange or new trends.

Lastly, don't forget about a cover letter. Of course, no one actually knows what a cover letter is supposed to be. The key is guessing what the potential employer thinks it is and running with that.

Good luck everyone.

Originally Published: January 13, 2010

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