Lil’ Miss Know It All
Playmate Problem
By Heather Henry
Dear Little Miss Know it All,
My boyfriend subscribes to Playboy and it really bothers me, so much that we’ve had a few fights about it. Why can’t he understand why I have a real problem with it? I’m tempted to tell him that he has to choose between Playboy and me. What should I do?
Dear Pornographobe,
If not for the naked ladies, would you be happy? If you can imagine your relationship without the Playboy problem, and it’s practically perfect and he’s practically perfect, then answer to yourself this: what is it about Playboy that is so problematic?
Most answers to personal problems are somewhere in the neighborhood of insecurity. Whether it’s your personal insecurity or insecurity about the relationship is particularly important to peg. Because if you do give him that ultimatum and he parts ways with Playboy, your personal insecurity won’t be magically comforted by the paucity of Playmates. In fact, a new Playboy-like problem will pop-up like pronto. I promise.
If the insecurity is about the relationship then Playboy is probably just a problem you feel safe pinning everything else on. You may claim it’s a problem of character or morality but we both know it’s just a scapegoat. I have a friend who fought with her ex-boyfriend about this very same issue. The bottom line, though, was that she didn’t feel like she was an equal in the relationship. He was in a band, practiced or played most nights of the week and she had a hard time feeling important to him. The issue of Playboy was an easier and safer way to argue about feeling neglected. But it never got to the real, honest point.
My advice to you is this: figure out what Playboy actually means to you and then deal with it honestly. Playmates are not going to come out of the magazine pages and nakedly whisk him away, leaving you feeling unsexy and unimportant. Playboy doesn’t have any of its own powers but you can give it incredible power by protecting your insecurities.
Dear Little Miss Know It All,
I’m going to a party this weekend and I know my ex-boyfriend is going to be there with his new girlfriend. We’ve been broken up for about 6 months so I’m mostly over him but I’m still nervous. How should I act? Should I flirt with him or ignore him?
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
Act cool, girl. If you flirt with him or ignore him, you tip your hand that you may be “mostly” over him but you’re still not cool with everything. You’ll wind up critiquing the hell out of any effort you make (to flirt or to ignore him), driving yourself crazy and likely wishing you could redo the whole event.
In most scenarios, acting a way that is contrary to actual feelings is obvious and tedious to the observer. But perfecting the art of acting cool is an important life skill that everyone should cultivate for situations such as these.
Think of acting cool as acting natural. For example, the poor gorillas in the Columbus Zoo, who are housed in enclosures that no way emulate their intended environment, are leered at by Columbus Zoo patrons and their sniffly, dirty kids, always look slightly depressed or, at times, like they’re wielding useless bravado. Definitely not cool. Go on Safari in East Africa though and you will be awestruck by the coolness of the gorillas there.
Gorillas in the wild are cooler because they’re not so much reacting to an observer as they are simply going about their very cool and natural business. So, in an effort to find your own way of cool for the party, just be your very cool self, have very cool conversations with very cool people at the party. Be very nice and very cool to his new girlfriend and very curious but very cool about how he’s been since you last saw him. If you find yourself wondering if he’s watching you, remember what that does to the zoo gorilla and coolly forget about it. Cool? Cool.
Originally Published: Issue 619 - January 23, 2008
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