U Weekly. Serving The Ohio State University in Columbus Ohio

Fundamental stupidity

By Andrew Joseph

Earlier last week, another absurd idea found it's way to my computer screen. Imagine this: a new professional basketball league, with an emphasis on fundamentals. It could be a cool thing for the purest at heart, the same people who claim to prefer layups to slam dunks. The other 99.9 percent of us probably would file it with the other countless defunct (or soon to be) pro sports leagues we've given little thought to over the years.

Here is where the league gets interesting. The players are all going to be natural-born, white, U.S. citizens. I'm not kidding. The All-American Basketball Alliance is the brainchild of Don "Moose" Lewis. Lewis made his career promoting something that white folks like more than fundamentally sound basketball - semi-professional wrestling.

Lewis insists that this experiment in time travel has nothing to do with race. Rather, it's to provide Caucasians with the opportunity to play "fundamental" basketball, which they "like." I like making a layup as much as the next white dude, but I would give up my 97 Volvo and other suburban delights to dunk just once?

(Side note: The term Caucasian actually refers the region of Caucasus that includes parts of countries such as Russia, Georgia, Armenia and Azerbaijan. Russia is the only nation included that has ever won an Olympic medal in basketball, and we all know they cheated. Limiting participation to players from these nations doesn't historically conjure up the phrase "Showtime!")

I can infer a few things from Lewis' psychobabble.

1. Minorities hate fundamentals.

This is clearly evident from watching Yao Ming or the teams coached by Minnesota's Tubby Smith.

2. White people hate dunking, or other exciting athletic things.

OSU's own Mark "The Shark" Titus just put together a sick highlight reel in celebration of Club Trillion's 2,000,000 hit. "Mr. Rainmaker" is textbook in displaying fundamentals, like shooting from an exercise bike. You can clearly see the pain on his face when he shows off his dunking ability - clearly only included to raise his NBA draft stock.

If whites, and everyone else for that matter, preferred passing, defense and bank shots to crossovers and dunks, the WNBA and women's college ball would be a lot more popular.

OSU students can go to women's basketball games for free. More OSU students pay to see the men play. The women are ranked in the top 10, and have displayed the rebounding fundamental 200 more times this season than the men have. Maybe people of all colors, creeds and sizes like the above the rim play more than a perimeter offense.

Lewis, while still denying racist motivation, wants to down play the "street-ball" culture of the NBA. Read: Gilbert Arenas. I suppose Lewis has forgotten about players like Jason Williams who is best known for being kicked off the team at Florida and yelling racially driven obscenities at fans during games. However, his knuckle tattoo that reads "WHITE BOY" might just be what Moose and the Gang are looking for.

It's still unclear how much thought, or capacity for thought, Lewis has given his future league. Think about the quality individuals who would think that playing in an all-white league would really be the best thing for their careers.

The good news is, the reality of this league actually seeing the light of day is slim to none. It is unfortunate that some people in this country are still caught up in the color of who is providing them with entertainment, as opposed to the quality of it.

Originally Published: January 27, 2010

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