U Weekly. Serving The Ohio State University in Columbus Ohio

Epic fail: 'Avatar' a beautiful mess

By VR Bryant

I relish being the last person I know to not be taken in by a fad. As a natural contrarian, I get to savor this warming sensation with relative frequency. For a while, my crowning achievement in the area was not having eaten at Chipotle. Their corn salsa, as it turns out, is like an edge piece in the puzzle of my life, but I did long have the pleasure of seeing everyone stand aghast at my admission of abstinence. I digress.

It was with no small amount of consternation that I decided that I needed to see "Avatar." I justified the decision by logging on to IMDb.com to make doubly sure that it had actually won the Golden Globe for Best Picture and admitting to myself that, as a shoo-in for an Oscar nod, I was going to have to sit through it eventually. In spite of my rotten little attitude going in, I really did do my best to take it in objectively and give it a fair shake.

My expert conclusion: this was not a good movie. I'm not saying that it just "wasn't for me." I'm saying that there are more critical failures within the film's robust runtime than there are successes. Because I couldn't put it any more eloquently, I quote a dear friend: "Even with all the alcohol I've destroyed my brain cells with over the years, I'm just unable to accept anything in this movie." Hear, hear. I'll just rattle off a few of the more hilarious violations:

The script, with particular respect to dialogue, was puerile and unrealistic. I'd put it right about on par with that of "The Matrix," which, if you haven't gone back and watched that in a while, was truly abhorrent. It's a glaring flaw that undercuts the storyline and forces awkward performances from an already spotty cast. I like Giovanni Ribisi, and they managed to make him into a caricature.

There's a precious element that exists only on this alien planet Pandora. In the reported four years of production, creator James Cameron could only think to call it "unobtainium." That is not a joke. Also, every earthbound creature indigenous to Pandora, with the exception of the natives (the Na'vi - also very creative) has six legs.

Finally (and this is the big one for me), the plot is startlingly and insultingly unoriginal. I heard the jokes. "Dances with Smurfs" was a good one. But while there are certainly borrowed elements (read: stolen themes) from Kevin Costner's epic, "Avatar" is, practically to the letter, a shot-for-shot reproduction of "FernGully: The Last Rainforest."

If you haven't seen "Avatar," just take my word for it - it's the exact same movie. And like "FernGully," it's meant for children.

There are people that I know, whose opinions I value, who've explained to me the merit of this movie. The words "visual masterpiece" come up time and time again, and I will agree without hesitation that the flora, fauna and other life on Cameron's fantasy world certainly are fantastic, even if they do all oddly have six appendages.

One such person even admitted that the plot is merely a necessary framework, the only real purpose of which is to provide a means by which Cameron can show you how beautiful his CGI rainforest is.

Sorry, folks. To me, what makes a movie is the story. A good story makes you forget that you're watching a movie at all. There has to be something to invest yourself in, something to build on. Computer graphics are the dressing. If you liked it, and disagree with what I've said, that's fine. But it doesn't undo the monstrous tragedy of this disaster winning a major award. I pray the Academy has more sense than that.

Thanks to Gateway Film Center for showing movies that don't require special glasses.

Originally Published: January 27, 2010

↑ Back to the top