U Weekly. Serving The Ohio State University in Columbus Ohio

Confessions of someone living with HIV

By Eleanor Ankrom

[editor's note: UWeekly would like to thank this subject for being so candid about a condition that is in no way easy to talk about.]

Sexually transmitted diseases are a very real problem, but few present more of a problem to the life of a young person than HIV.

UWeekly: How long have you been HIV positive?
Seventeen years. October 4th, 1993. A day in infamy.

UW: Did something happen that made you go to the doctor?
Yes. I was in a relationship with someone who I thought was monogamous. We were trying to plan our relationship, become the consummate couple, and we had just gotten insurance. This was right when they were really starting to test for HIV and other things. I [let my guard down] with this person, we had unprotected sex. About a month later I got the worst flu I have ever had in my life. Well, he went to the doctor, and tested positive. I said, "Well, if you've got it I've got it." I went to my personal physician, and back then you had to wait two weeks for the results. A lot of things were different then.

UW: What was your immediate reaction?
My immediate reaction? Well, we had a house, we had horses, and we were professional dog handlers. I was downstairs bathing and grooming our standard poodle. And I just put the dog in its kennel, and I hit the table in the room with the dog brush and said, "In two years?" Because back then they were telling you your lifespan was two years. I said, I'm nothing more than this brush against the table. I'm going to be dead in two years. What is life like after that? And the sad thing is, I lived in New York City, and was promiscuous as hell, and why is it that I'm in a "monogamous relationship" and I get this crap? I mean, I'd never even had crabs.

UW: Now it's been 17 years, and you're still alive. Did you start gradually realizing that you weren't going to die? Or do you still feel like you could go anytime?
Life is a fatal disease, number one [laughs]. The other thing is, I had allergic reactions to my medications, which put me in the hospital. I died, they brought me back, I survived. I made a plan for myself. I said, I want to buy a house, fall in love and finish my degree. And I did all of those things, twice. And I think that's what's kept me alive. That and the fact that HIV is something that, no, I wouldn't want it, I don't want it, but it's changed the course of my life. I wouldn't be working [where I work], I wouldn't have gone to school, I wouldn't know the people I know now, I wouldn't have been able to travel, so it's changed my life in a good way ... I think.

UW: So someone finds out they have HIV ... it's the end of the world pretty much.
Well, it depends on the support system they have. My mom, my dad ... my dad found out I had HIV, he holed himself up his bedroom and put a gun to his head and tried to kill himself. It just depends, I've been lucky enough in being part of the artistic community, I've always had the support. I think that's a major reason why I'm still here. That and I take my medications. I would recommend, if a young kid gets this, God forbid, they need to find a support system. It might be their mother, their father, their brother, a sister, the neighbor, or a kaleidoscope of any of those things.

UW: So you mentioned that you made goals for yourself when you found out, and one of them was that you wanted to fall in love again. But for an HIV positive person, they might think: Well hell, no one's going to sleep with me ever again, and definitely no one's going to love me if I tell them I have "AIDS."
Well, yes. First of all it feels like a death sentence. That does cross your mind. I remember the first time I had sex with someone after I was diagnosed, with the condoms, and the gloves, and it was so clinical. It didn't turn me on. But ... [laughs] if you think about it ... that could turn you on. The gloves, the condoms, all of that stuff. I vividly remember that first time, and it wasn't good. But I've trained my mind to make it good.

UW: So when you did find someone, how did you go about telling them?
Well, I'm going to give you two examples. When I found out I had AIDS, HIV, blah blah whatever, I met someone new, we mostly chatted online. I did not tell them anything. But then we had sex. And after that one day they asked me if I had [any STD's]. I broke out into a sweat. I was like, I have two choices: to lie about it, or tell the truth. Well, thank God I chose to tell the truth. They were HIV positive as well. We were together five years. I learned my lesson from that though. I got really sick, I was on my deathbed. He tried to screw me over and I just said, that's it. I'm on my deathbed, I'm not doing this, I don't want this relationship. And right off the bat with the new person I am with now, I told them right away. And they are not HIV positive, and still have no problems.

UW: What are the symptoms?
Oh my God, they can be anything. When I look back, I got a skin infection ... I got shingles. Folliculitis was the skin infection. But I attribute that to my nasty-ass roommate. The girl I was living with a f-cking pig, her house was filthy. But my immune system was knocked down enough that it was bad. And then you've got the yeast infections in your armpits, your mouth.

UW: Being present on the bar scene in the campus area, you must see a lot of risky behavior that makes you cringe.
I do have a "no glove, no love" policy. Bartending in the campus area, I have had to break up "sexcapades" in bathrooms all over. I have literally pulled people apart they way I pull my dogs apart, and oh, look, there is no condom on this guys d-ck. The statistics show us one in four people have some kind of STD. That pretty much keeps me from cheating [laughs]. I work with young people a lot, with both my teaching and as a bartender. I tell them, "Look. You really don't want this." They look at me and say, "Well, you're happy, you're healthy, you've been around 17 years." And I just tell them, yes, but when I first started this, I was on 80 pills a day. I'm down to about 17 now. Now only four of those are for the HIV, the rest are for all of the side effects.

UW: Anyone can diagnose you, the random doctor at the free clinic or whoever, but once you know you have HIV, what can you do for treatment?
You have to go to a specialist. You can't go to your family doctor, especially if you're ashamed, then you just won't go to the doctor at all. I went through that period. That's when you get sick. My doctors are at OSU. You have to know the disease, you have to research it. I have two of the best doctors in the world. I basically fired my family practitioner, because he didn't have the knowledge. But then once you find a doctor, that affects where you can live. You know I'd like to move, but I can't live in podunk Oklahoma where I don't have access to the proper healthcare. If all of the sudden I get sick, or have some side effect from my medications, I have to have access to someone who knows the disease.

UW: So ... 80 pills a day? How the hell did you do that?
Uh, I learned how to swallow better. [laughs hysterically]. It's true. I have no gag reflex. Put a little ha ha, hee hee there, because it's true! You've gotta insert a little humor into this.

Originally Published: February 3, 2010

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