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Hollywood Roundup

By VR Bryant

There are things in this world that you're never meant to see with the naked eye. Solar eclipses, for example, and Medusa, and John Travolta with a shaved head and goatee. The effects of these unfortunate scenes have not yet been evaluated by the FDA. Probably because they are terrified of them. Damn my eyes!

Octomom in a bikini
Whilst waiting in line to buy my baby powder, light bulbs and family size jar of Peter Pan peanut butter, I turned my gaze to the tabloid racks (like you do) with the innocent intention of getting an update on the current state of affairs in Bradgelinaland. What I saw instead was Nadya "Octomom" Suleman in a bright red bikini, beckoning me to some faraway beach while looking almost human. Approximately three seconds after seeing this, I had already launched full force into the most regrettable sequence of sexual imagery of my young life. One such scene involved her sitting on a space shuttle at Cape Canaveral and me looking on from afar through a telescope. Another was not unlike that biblical story about somebody becoming trapped inside of a whale. Not all fantasies are fantastic, folks.

Greg Oden is a tall man
In other "glorious freak of nature" news, anyone with a strong stomach and an Internet connection has probably seen these photos of Greg Oden that have been making the rounds. They're the ones of him taking his own picture with a cell phone in a mirror (classy!), only without any pants on to help conceal the 4D Cell MagLite he carries with him at all times. The really strange thing about the story is that Oden has used the word "embarrassing" in his apology. Embarrassing? Srsly? Because if that's embarrassing, then I guess I should probably just throw myself into the nearest ravine before another girl sees me naked.

Venus eye trap
I like Venus Williams as much as the next guy. Which admittedly is not a great deal. I'm much more in the Serena camp, mostly because I like my women with thighs like a horse and a mouth like a pirate. Still, I couldn't help but stare (yes, for several minutes) at the images sent in from the Australian Open of VW in her uncannily well-matched flesh-color skin-tight undershorts. It then occurred to me just how lucky it is that the Williams sisters are budding fashion moguls. Soon, these shorts will be worn by the physically sublime all over the world, and I will have no other recourse than to buy a video camera and quit my job. It's the American dream.

Originally Published: February 3, 2010

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