Secrets straining relationship
By Chase Shreefer
Dear Ask a Gay Guy,
I've been with my boyfriend for three months. It's the longest relationship either of us has had so far, and we're totally in love with each other. We sort of knew each other during most of high school — different school but in the same town, had mutual friends — but he didn't come out to anyone until last year. I, on the other hand, came out my junior year of high school, and so he's always known about me being gay. I've been out to everyone — my family, my friends, even my church — for almost three years. He's only out to a couple of his friends, including the one who managed to hook us up. But no one else since then.
I understand that coming out is a gradual process and I know it's hard, especially in the beginning. Still, it bothers me that when we hang out he's almost kind of cold to me. See, we both still live in the dorms. His roommates don't know he's gay, plus we're both pretty busy, so I don't get much time completely alone with him, and when we do actually get it, we're usually focused on only one thing in particular, you know. Which is great...but when I see him I want to just hold his hand, give him a kiss, not just in the elevator or a hallway. I just miss the little things that all normal couples do, what I've always done with my past boyfriends. I don't think I'm being too dramatic when I say I feel like he's kind of dragging me back into the closet with him. He's amazing but I hate how I have to watch what I do and say most of the time I'm around him. I love him so much and I hate that I have to hide it from the rest of the world. It's not like I would break up with him over this. I knew what I was getting myself into. But this is slowly getting to me and I'm not sure what I can do about it.
John D.
Dear John,
There are those like you and me who somehow just sort of naturally come out to almost everyone at a relatively early age… and that's pretty much the end of it. As you said, it's a gradual process; really, when you think about it, it's a never-ending process because not everyone you meet is going to know you're gay right away. Well, maybe some people. Anyway, then there are people like your boyfriend who for whatever reason doesn't feel comfortable coming out completely. (Are you withholding salacious details as to why exactly this might be so? Is he a football player or something? Aspiring politician? I totally wouldn't publish it if you told me.)
Alright. The only real advice I can offer is that, if you love him, stay with him as long as you can stand it. I'm sure you're already aware that giving him some kind of ultimatum to get him to come out of the closet would be a terrible idea. Give him credit, though: He's in a relationship with a dude — I'm sure that's a pretty big step for him. It's easy for those of us who have been "out" for a while to forget what life in the closet was like. But it sounds like you do understand where he's coming from. Being there for him is enough until either he or everyone else changes their mind on the issue. Things are getting better. Best of luck to both of you.
Have a question for our Gay Guy/Girl? Submit your questions to advice@uweekly.com.
Originally Published: Issue 647 - May 7, 2008
 |
Share on Facebook |
