Satire: ManBearPig interrupts, terrorizes speech by Gore
By Richard Dangle
A speech by former vice president Al Gore at The Ohio State University was cut short on Sunday evening when a large half-man, half-bear, half-pig stormed into the Value City Arena, terrorizing some 3,000 people in attendance.
“We have the power to achieve these energy sustainability goals within your lifetime,” Gore said. “But what we must really strive for is a change in policy from our… what the HELL IS THAT?!”
The half man, half bear, half pig was seen earlier in the day roaming down Lane Avenue in what looked to be a desperate search for food. Many witnesses saw the beast, but simply mistook it for either a man, a bear, or a pig — not a full-fledged ManBearPig.
“Everyone hit the deck — ManBearPig simply wants to get you,” screamed the former vice president as he ducked behind the podium he had been delivering his prepared remarks from.
Gore emerged seconds later with a rocket launcher slung over his shoulder, the massive weapon appearing to be stored just behind Gore’s podium for just such a purpose.
“Damn it, ManBearPig, they’re just kids,” Gore yelled as he came after the beast, who had made his way to the floor of the Arena. “You’ve screwed me for the last time!”
Eyewitnesses who had not yet escaped the arena said Gore then fired off three rounds from the rocket launcher attached to him, each one missing ManBearPig by inches.
“The scene was unreal,” said one Ohio State student who had come to listen to Gore’s speech on climate change and environmental sustainability. “I mean, you hear about the reports of ManBearPig in the media all the time, but to actually be confronted by one 20 feet in front of you… it’s an altogether terrifying experience.”
After using up his rocket rounds, Gore ran back to the stage he was speaking from and again emerged with another weapon, this time a flamethrower.
“Excelsior!” cried Gore as he again ran after the beast many thought to be a mythical creature.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said another student. “First I was there learning about the individual differences I could make to lessen my carbon impact on the world… and then the next thing you know you’ve got a ManBearPig bearing down on you… and everyone knows that ManBearPig just wants to get you.”
Gore was able to chase the ManBearPig out of the arena with his arsenal of weapons and quick-thinking, although it is unknown what happened to either after leaving the arena, as neither has been seen in days.
Amazingly, not one person was hurt during the Sunday evening incident, despite overwhelming structural damage to the arena that was caused as much by ManBearPig as it was by Gore chasing after him with military-grade weapons.
“The former vice president has done a great thing for us all here today, and we all might very well not be alive if not for his actions,” Ohio State president E. Gordon Gee said to the media while surveying the $80 million in damage to the arena on Monday. “So thank you, Al Gore… you’re super awesome.”
Originally Published: Issue 647 - May 7, 2008
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