Satire: No more English majors
By Hiromitsu Masuda
The Ohio State University Board of Trustees announced last week that the university will no longer be offering degrees for majors in English, starting this fall quarter. In a public statement, they reported, “We feel that in order to be more competitive in the marketplace, we had to get rid of useless majors. Since most people here at OSU already speak English, we decided the Department of English was the most useless.” Immediately, angry essays in double-spaced, 12 point font flooded the Office of Academic Affairs. The department office agreed to read each with the careful consideration they deserved and then send them back after grading them.
In a sample letter obtained by UWeekly, tensions seemed to run high. In a statement addressed to the Board of Trustees, the Department Head of English wrote,
“I am acrimonious at the resolution your billet has propounded. This will actuate raucous expostulations at your front door! Your agglomerations and animadversion will be an antecedent for a donnybrook like you’ve never erstwhile witnessed!”
Despite what the Board said in its public announcement, it is rumored that what first sparked the cessation of the English Department was actually a personal quarrel between a professor and a Trustee member. In an interview, the Trustee disclosed that there was a history of tension with a particular faculty member.
“She kept insisting on correcting my grammar and scolding me when I started my sentences with a conjunction. But what if I don’t want to? And who cares? So what if I want to speak like a normal person?”
Later, when asked if the board will reconsider their decision after reviewing the formal protests, a Trustee replied that the letters they received only served to confirm the Board’s decision.
“I got a letter from a student majoring in English, calling me an ‘Anglophobic anthropomorphous despot’ and stating that my ‘derisible deportment was ignominious.’ Is this the kind of language we want our students learning? I mean, is it still English if 99% of English-speaking people can’t understand you?”
Originally Published: Issue 648 - May 14, 2008
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