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Confessions of a teenage lesbian

By Abby Donovan

This week, a lesbian in her teens talks with our very own Abby D. about life outside of the closet.

What age were you when you realized you were gay?
Well, that would be like asking a straight person when they realized they were straight. For mae, it's instinctive. I have always known. I have never been attracted to men in any way, shape, or form.

When did you decide to tell your family?
I told my mother when I was 16. I had a girlfriend at the time and I was really in love with her. She convinced me to tell her. It was hurting me not to tell her.

What was your mother's reaction?
She didn't believe it. She was in shock as I'm sure many parents are when you tell them something like that. She cried. She told me she would always be there for me and that she was crying because she knew life would be harder for me.

What was it like telling your friends?
Telling my friends was easy. A few of them knew [already]. I kind of didn't tell anyone that wasn't close to me until my junior year of high school.

You talked about telling your mother. What about the rest of your family?
My step dad pretty much already guessed it. My mom's side of the family does not know [but] my dad's side does. But my dad does not know.

So why doesn't your dad know?
It's not that I'm afraid of him, I have just never been able to talk to him about anything. The only time we can hold a conversation is if we are talking about sports.

He just doesn't understand me. He would just want to know why. I haven't been close to him in that way. I'm really not close to my dad.

My dad's side of the family knows. [There are] some people who don't like it, like my step mom. At my high school graduation party, one of my uncles asked my step mom how I was doing - he wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. She said, "No, she doesn't. She's a lesbian." She said it in a very rude way. My uncle said, "Oh, ok." A few days after that, I started to get phone calls from my dad's side of the family saying they knew because they looked up my Myspace account and saw that it said "lesbian" under my orientation. That's how they found out. They were asking me about it; they were understanding and supportive. Any time we have family functions, they ask if I have told my dad, and I say "no" which really puts pressure on me. My dad is not old fashioned, but he is very traditional. His mindset is about 20 years [behind]. I just don't know how he would deal with it. I just don't deal with it because it scares me to think about it.

Have you ever encountered discrimination?
Absolutely. Only one woman has ever done anything. People mostly just stare at me if I'm holding hands with a girl. I would rather someone say something to me than just stare. At least when they say something to me, I know what they are thinking. I don't like not knowing.

What happened with the woman?
I was with friends of mine [and] we were holding hands as we entered a mall. A woman and her daughter were walking by and the woman shielded her daughter's eyes with her hand and gave us all dirty looks. The thing that bothered me most about it was [that] it wasn't just discrimination, she shielded her daughter's eyes so her daughter would not see two girls holding hands. It was almost as if the mom thought gay was something you could catch. I want, more than anything, for people to understand that you are born this way, you don't decide who you're attracted to.

It's nobody's fault; it's not a disease you're going to catch.

What do you think about gay marriage being legalized in some states?
I think it's a great step forward. I think that eventually - I don't know how long, but I do believe that one day there will be legal gay marriage everywhere. Marriage is about what you have with one another, not what you have in between your legs.

What can be done to educate people to help avoid discrimination?
That's the big question. If anyone really knew the answer to that, I guess we would have a lot more tolerance. All I know is, not every gay man wants every man that they see [and] not every gay woman wants every woman that they see. Just like every straight man or woman wouldn't want every person [of the opposite sex] that they see. There is absolutely no difference between you and me other than who we are attracted to.

Originally Published: June 24, 2009

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