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Bigger, longer, louder: 'Transformers 2' drops Friday

By VR Bryant

There's something that happens to these films adapted from charming, less invasive origins. "Star Trek" was this way-so was "X-Men." "G.I. Joe" will undoubtedly join the group come August. It's a new kitsch, only these aren't cheap knock-offs, but big-budget perversions that have similarly damaging effects.

It's not that "Star Trek" was bad, per se. The first couple iterations of the re-imagining of "X-Men" weren't either. But seemingly inherent in this kind of transition from source material - not necessarily meant for it - is the loss of the original appeal and the injection of a new, super-stylized commercialization.

And it's not going to end any time soon, either. In case you were wondering (and if you were, it's probably time to get a life, you dweeb): yes-"Thundercats" and "Voltron" are already slated to be run through the Hollywood wringer.

All of that to say that when the new "Transformers" opens this weekend (or Thursday at midnight, assuredly), it will mark another step in the long death march that is modern summer cinema.

The unfortunate reality, of course, is that no matter how much I've come to loathe the process, fourteen-year-olds are never in short supply. We just keep on making them. And based on the first "Transformers," which grossed well over $300 million (more than twice its budget), there are more than enough of them willing to use their allowance to line Michael Bay's pockets.

Now, if you were a fan of the first movie, then bless your little heart. I'm sure you'll be in line Thursday night, ready to pee your pants in anticipation of things that go boom and more of Bay's signature stylings, simply because it says the word 'Transformers' on the marquee.

For me, it doesn't matter how brutally hot Megan Fox is if Shia LaBeouf has to be in the room whilst I ogle. It's like offering me a delicious steak, but forcing me to eat it off the floor. Plus, the only way I'm paying money to see Fox is if it's down at the Private Dancer on Trabue and Hague.

My main problem is that in the process of trying to appeal to the masses (read: morons), these re-treads invariably wind up all style and no substance. They cease taking themselves seriously, and replace original flair with tawdry, freeze-dried one-liners.

And it's unfortunate that it tends to work so well, because it is absolutely possible to have the best of both worlds-to make a quality picture that everyone (even the intellectual) can appreciate, and still rake in half a billion at the domestic till. "Dark Knight" proved it.

Ultimately, it makes no difference how hard I rail against these trends. "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" will surely please those to whom it is specifically targeted (read: blubbering simps), and further validate Bay's existence. But I can still hope that he's got one more "Island" in him-no mere mortal could survive two such titanic failures; though, that's assuming he's human.

I'm dubious.

Originally Published: June 24, 2009

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