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Fashion Police
Time Traveler
Spanning history, you have truly proven that it's never a good idea to combine fashion from different decades, much less different centuries: the fedora, although considered "cool" in the last hundred years, surely would have been lost to the ancient Greeks who sported your Jesus cleats. Congrats, I think you lost everyone in the last couple thousand years on that combination.
Alice in Wonderland
The Cheshire Cat called - he wants his stockings back. Had there been a goth version of Lewis Carroll's classic, I'm sure the casting manager would have begged for your costuming prowess, drooling over your shortness of stature for the shrinking scene that warranted your nosebleed-high platforms ... and the only reason I wasn't tricked into thinking I suddenly lost my color vision with your strictly black-and-white threads was the horrible dye-job.
Striped Sensation
A zebra has nothing on you, sir - you might have passed for eye candy to a person on an acid trip, but for the rest of us we're forced to lose the respect that mobsters instilled in pinstripe pants with your disgraceful get-up. Seriously? You look like someone smacked a party-colored flyswatter all over that jacket. Or at least they should smack you.
*The Fashion Police never intend to offend beyond fashion sense.
Originally Published: June 24, 2009
