U Weekly. Serving The Ohio State University in Columbus Ohio

Great Facebook statuses throughout history

Opinion

By Michael Amann

There have been a lot of celebrity deaths lately. The big one, of course, was Billy Mays but there were some others. Frankly, I've been making the best out of it: I have had some hilarious Facebook statuses. [A quick aside to the grammar freaks, statuses is the proper pluralization of "status," because we speak English and not Latin.] The upswing in the deaths of famous people has really gotten me to produce some of my best work. This got me thinking about what a shame it was that I've only been around to comment on current events in direct relation to me for such a short time. I've only been around so long, and Facebook has been around for even less.

For your sakes as well as mine, dear UWeekly readers, I am going to rattle off some of what I believe my Facebook statuses would have been throughout the history of civilization. I hope you enjoy.

Michael Amann got some powdered sugar in the mail!
Posted on September 18, 2001 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann let the dogs out!
Posted on July 5, 2000 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann did not have sexual relations with... your mom! (except that I did!)
Posted on January 26, 1998 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann got some powdered sugar at a dance club!
Posted on Spetember 18, 1979 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann thinks this Alexander guy is GREAT ;)
Posted on March 3, 322 BC • Comment • Like

Michael Amann thinks this Ivan guy is TERRIBLE >:0
Posted on October 5, 1581 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann is building some pyramids with wooly mammoths
Posted on 10,000 BC • Comment • Like

Michael Amann is movin' out ! "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" Classic!
Posted on February 18, 1440 BC • Comment • Like

Michael Amann has been in this desert FOREVER. :(
Posted on September 17, 1427 BC • Comment • Like

Michael Amann is in ur boat, dumpin all ur tea
Posted on December 16, 1773 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann is in ur capital, burnin' ur White House
Posted on August 24, 1814 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann is in ur Alamo, murderin' ur national heroes
Posted on March 6, 1936 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann is in ur Mexico, takin' much of ur country
Posted on December 5, 1847 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann is not going to want to pick all this cotton by himself :(
Posted on December 18, 1965 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann says oh the humanity more like oh the JEWmanity... this was def the fault of the Jews.
Posted on May 6, 1937 • Comment • Like
[ed: I feel like at some point in history I would have been anti-Semitic.]

Michael Amann is upset that his trip to Hawaii will now be delayed. :(
Posted on December 8, 1941 • Comment • Like

Michael Amann still believes, in spite of everything, that people are good at heart. :)
Posted on August 1, 1944 • Comment • Like

I am very, very sorry.

Originally Published: July 1, 2009

↑ Back to the top