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Boob Tube
By VR Bryant
Back for more pain, the Roundup trudges on, accurate information be damned. We strive to bring you the highest quality celebrity-slash-reality television-based drivel possible, which is, of course, an oxymoron, as I'm sure you already realized. Hold on to your butts!
Michael Jackson dead at 50
You heard it here first: the King of Pop, the preeminent entertainer-extraordinaire of my generation and yours, kicked the bucket this past Thursday under reasonably pedestrian circumstances. Actually, I've been told that The Weather Channel had the news before we did-due respect paid. One could certainly argue that it's too soon to be making cracks, no matter how thin the veil. One could also argue that the man willfully turned his life into a circus sideshow. I won't repeat verbatim the one I heard about MJ being mistakenly airlifted to the Children's Hospital, but I'm sure you get the drift. If Sacha Baron Cohen can manage to censor himself on the subject, then so can I.
Jimmy Fallon grasps-straws just out of reach
While Conan O'Brien has moved on to lamer, more elderly-friendly programming, Jimmy Fallon has picked up the late-late-night torch and gone a-runnin'. His stunts have involved paying people to lick things unnecessarily and running about his studio, drawing moustaches on the faces of the innocent with a black magic marker. The best yet, though, was Fallon organizing the incursion of four dozen rabbits into the same bed space as Cameron Diaz. Diaz was apparently elated. In part, I imagine, because bunnies are soft and cuddly, but mostly because anything she does for work these days that isn't called "Shrek" is probably a welcome respite.
Dearest Kelly
Apparently Kelly Osbourne (of being Ozzy Osbourne's daughter fame) has been receiving insulting and even threatening phone calls from an unknown source. Officials are likely baffled, as the pool of potential suspects consists of roughly everyone. I would like to believe that, given the opportunity, I'd have the courtesy to insult the girl to her face. Still, I can't help but feel a deep sense of admiration for this mystery man, this noble vigilante who has taken matters into his own hands. A hundred more just like him, and we could win this war. We could win it!
Originally Published: July 1, 2009
