The Beet
Lane Ave. bridge wins top useless architecture honors
COLUMBUS, Oh. – Columbus city officials are celebrating a major victory following the Lane Avenue bridge’s fifth consecutive selection by the Federation of Useless Inventors, Architects, and Engineers (FUIAE) as the “Most Unnecessary Bridge,” an award the suspension bridge has won every year since its completion in 2003.
Mayor Mike Coleman and officials from the Franklin County Engineer’s Office were on hand to accept the honor at the FUIAE’s annual awards ceremony, held June 18 at the Mobile Public Library.
In attendance at the library — a facility many worthless construction enthusiasts consider the Mecca of pointless buildings — was a veritable Who’s Who of the federation’s celebrity membership, among them stars like infomercial king Ron Popeil and pork-barrel senators Robert Byrd (D-WV) and Ted Stevens (R-AK).
Among the honors handed out by the federation were a highly competitive “Most Unnecessary Building” category, which saw a Jackson, Mississippi art gallery beating out newly constructed French military barracks and a seldom used Church of Scientology “Celebrity Centre” in star-deprived Kansas City, Missouri.
The presentation of “Most Useless Product” honors rounded out the ceremony’s telecast, broadcast nationwide on ABC immediately before a 10:30 p.m. WNBA game featuring the Chicago Sky at the Los Angeles Sparks — a programming block ABC dubbed “Unwatchable Wednesday.” In that final category, the Magic Bullet continued its meteoric rise into the annuals of useless crap, soundly beating newcomer Kevin Trudeau’s latest book, “Natural Cures,” and the Smokeless Ashtray, a perennial contender.
Columbus’s victory was particularly painful for the aforementioned Senator Stevens, whose aborted “Bridges to Nowhere” would have presented significant challenges to the 370-foot bridge that spans the scenic Olentangy River.
The 2001 decision to replace the old earth-filled arch bridge over the Olentangy with a suspension bridge — usually reserved for longer, heavier use bridges like the 1.31 mile long Brooklyn Bridge — has given the Columbus viaduct a virtual lock on the unnecessary bridge category far into the foreseeable future.
Bin Laden determined to find airfare deals in U.S.
BALTIMORE – Airline price increases and flight reductions in the wake of continually increasing oil prices have had an unintended consequence that’s proving to be a boon to national security: terrorists’ operating costs are going through the roof.
The airfare hikes, spurred by ballooning jet fuel costs being incurred by major carriers nationwide, have begun to inflict serious damage on the financial health of al-Qaida sleeper cells, especially those whose members frequently participate in live training exercises meant to probe airport security for holes.
Terror trainees aren’t just being squeezed by ticket prices. Added surcharges for checked baggage, in-flight meals and drinks, and other services are also hurting extremists who are making every effort not to arouse suspicion.
Reductions in the number of flights to and from destinations have also presented terrorists-in-training with problems. Cuts in capacity mean that many would-be hijackers are faced with longer layovers or even overnight stays before they can return to their base of operations.
The hikes come at a time when less money is flowing to American-based terrorists, due to increased scrutiny on international monetary transactions and al-Qaida’s focus on supplying its fighters in Afghanistan and Iraq.
In order to make ends meet, undercover extremists have been forced to abandon the extravagant lifestyles they both lived and detested. Many have taken second or third jobs in addition to planning attacks on American civilians.
Zahid Badawi, an Egyptian based in Baltimore, has taken a job at a local BP station to supplement his al-Qaida salary. “I hated America before, but I can’t f***ing stand it now,” he says. “Their stubborn refusal to become an Islamic theocracy was one thing, but chasing away panhandlers and cleaning up soda spills for $7 an hour? I’d quit if I didn’t need the employee discount for gas.”
Increased operating expenditures have prompted terror lieutenants to reduce their operations in the U.S. Some cells, like Badawi’s, have already been given notice about their reassignment, though it wasn’t all good news. “They told me to give two weeks’ notice so I have a reference in case I come back. Terrorists are f***ing assholes.”
Originally Published: Issue 657 - July 2, 2008
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