Soccer. Enough said.
By Brad Beer
Folks, I am more tired than a Spanish National Team member right now. The Kicking Spaniards just beat the WWII Germans in the Euro Cup 1-0. The match lasted a record 437 minutes, with the lone winning goal being scored in the 144th minute. Riveting, to say the least.
This was the peak of the sport, and I have to say, I was not impressed at all.
Don’t get me wrong; I’ve tried pretty hard to embrace soccer as a whole. When the US made the World Cup in 1990-something, I got excited. It was like getting into a party you hadn’t been invited to, and then finding out there was an open bar.
I bought T-shirts. I was always ready to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. I was proud of my country.
But then it totally stopped.
We lost, and I just walked away from the sport. Am I proud of what I did? Not really, but find me a reason not to walk away.
Recently I got involved in an argument with a soccer purist about whether or not soccer was a valid sport. His contention was that it was more physically and technically demanding than any other sport. My contention was that a two-year-old can kick a ball.
I just sat and watched the best teams in Europe — the “Bret Michaels” of soccer — jog around for a ridiculous amount of time and accomplish what seemed like nothing. Even by the end of the game I couldn’t feel happy for Spain because it had been so long since someone did something worth remembering.
I think too many American males have ADD. We can’t pay attention for more than 8 seconds, which is why football is the king of all sports here. We know we have to concentrate for 6-10 seconds and then we can take a break.
Soccer, however, has plays that seem to last hours and just look more confusing and confounding than anything else. This is why I think we can’t pay attention. I think we try, we’ll flip over to a soccer game, but it’s just not going to last.
And doing nothing to help is soccer’s fans. Soccer purists argue how difficult and arduous their sport is. Gentlemen jogging around a yard occasionally kicking a ball does not seem difficult or arduous to most people. So here we are at a cross-road.
What can soccer do to improve its status in American Sports culture? I think the main thing they need to do is get rid of most of their fans. Since most of its fans leave a bad taste in my mouth, I’m less likely to shift over to the sport they so rabidly support.
Soccer fans need to find a different argument. Don’t tell me the sport is tough; every football player on the field on any given play hits someone. Don’t tell me the sport is difficult to succeed in; hitting a round ball traveling 95 miles per hour with a round bat is the most difficult thing there is to do in sports.
Tell me about how beautiful the sport is. Laugh at the flopping, and be honest about how ridiculous some of the players are. Don’t defend their dramatic flailing as if they are some type of modern gladiators that deserve every ounce of respect.
Talk to me about the simplicity and flow of the sport. That’s where you’re going to catch an American. Trying to sell me on the idea that your sport is tough is not going to fly; don’t even try to take that angle. Tell me of its splendor and grace; that’s where you might be able to reel me in.
I tried to watch today, and I couldn’t make it the entire time. Either something is wrong with me or something is wrong with the sport. I’m a guy who can watch one baseball game on my main screen and another on my Picture-In-Picture, and listen to a hockey game on the radio.
Paying attention to sports is not my problem, but I haven’t been sold on this sport yet. So come at me, soccer fans. Put your beers down, drink a glass of water, and then come explain the fluidity of the game you love. Maybe I’ll start to buy it. Maybe America will start to buy it.
Originally Published: Issue 657 - July 2, 2008
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