The Beet
Area reggae fan reportedly not high
COLUMBUS – Despite an intense outward display of his fandom, friends and family are reporting that local reggae aficionado Doug Johnson is not high.
The news came as a shock to the nearly two dozen colleagues who have worked with him at a nearby Westerville office complex since his hiring on June 23. Many of his coworkers had assumed the worst after Johnson had adorned his cubicle with "reggae paraphernalia" on his first day on the job.
Office manager and self-described easy listening fan Betty Scheurer immediately took note of Johnson's taste in music. "I noticed the CDs. There were a lot of Marleys on it, like Bob and Stephen and Ziggy, who I understand is a comic strip character. He brought in twenty or so of those CDs. And the poster."
"The poster" — a 24x36 inch depiction of deceased reggae star Bob Marley smoking marijuana like a cigarette — drew the attention of the rest of the office. Most assumed the worst about the otherwise-unassuming 24-year-old Ohio State graduate.
Johnson's subsequent conduct in the workplace, in light of his coworkers' assumptions, came as a pleasant surprise. According to accounts manager Debbie Phillips and accounts receivable assistant Jason McAllister, Johnson immediately exceeded expectations.
"He's been on time for the past two weeks. Sometimes he's early," says Phillips. McAllister concurs. "He dresses okay, except for that green, yellow, and red cap he wears sometimes. I think he showers too. Smells like Dial."
Phillips also expressed amazement that the philosophy student had refrained from eating his coworkers' lunches, stored in the office break room's refrigerator. "Don't they do that — eat a lot? They — I mean, those people?"
Owners of the Central Ohio company have expressed satisfaction with the job Johnson has done in his first two weeks, though note that had they known about his love for reggae or his purported marijuana use they would have hired a similarly qualified philosophy graduate to answer their phones.
Obama’s campaign finance pullout hurts “free stuff” demographic appeal
CHICAGO – Recent polling data indicates that Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama’s decision to opt out of public financing for his campaign is hurting his appeal with the highly coveted “free stuff” segment of the American public.
A new Chicago Tribune/Illinois State Lottery poll records a marked drop in support for the Illinois Democrat among voters who responded that their number one issue in the 2008 election was “get some awesome swag.”
“This isn’t surprising; the ‘free stuff’ demographic is incredibly fickle,” says Joseph Christy, a Depaul University professor of political science. “On other issues, they’re only concerned with what you’ve given them lately. But this poll shows that his likeability is down — free-stuffers are having trouble identifying with him.”
That much was apparent with voters at the Hollywood Casino in nearby Aurora, Illinois. “He turned down, like, $90 million for free. That’s just a slap in the face to us. You give me that, I could triple it in three hours,” explains roulette table fixture Anthony Lutsenko. “He’s just not the kind of guy you’d want to play blackjack with for twelve hours.”
The most troublesome news for the Obama campaign is that his decision has dug an even bigger hole with middle-aged and elderly white women, a segment the Illinois senator had already alienated during his primary race against Hillary Clinton.
Doris Eagleman, a 69-year-old retiree, says Obama’s decision was the last nail in the coffin. “He obviously doesn’t know what voters like me consider important.”
Obama’s problems don’t just extend to the gambling public. The Tribune/Illinois Lottery poll reveals that the rift in appeal extends to other groups, like burglars, car thieves, panhandlers, people who fall for those Nigerian email scams, and affluent twenty-somethings who shop at thrift stores — a group whose support Obama has enjoyed for most of the campaign.
Says Christy, “This decision has almost completely obliterated Obama’s chances at landing an endorsement from Amway.”
Originally Published: Issue 658 - July 9, 2008
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