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How to piss off your bartender
The sleazeball's guide to ordering a drink
By Kate Liebers
Gone are the days of the customer is always right.
At least, not when it comes to alcohol.
"That [phrase] definitely doesn't hold true in a bar," said Brian Jeffers, a recent Ohio State University graduate and ex-campus bartender. "A drunk customer is hardly ever right."
Instead, there is new service industry philosophy: Bartenders are gods. Tip well; don't anger the gods.
Such was inscribed in the bottle opener belonging to Todd Meister, "self-proclaimed king of all bartenders." Meister - who shaves before his shift and has a beard before it ends - is the type of etiquette coach who could beat the manners into you.
However, the more probable bartender punishment for the mutinous patron is not a hard fist, but a cold shoulder.
The bartenders want to help. The following guide is based on bartenders' collective pet peeves.
Rule 1. Know what you want
"My number one pet peeve: People yelling, 'Come here! Come here!' but when you get to them they don't know what they want and they don't have their money ready," said Craig Kempton, owner of The Bier Stube on High Street.
When it's busy, every moment is precious according to Jessica Zaidain, an OSU student who works at a bar in the University District.
"They take 15 seconds," said Zaidain of her peeve-producing customers. "Which in bartending world is an eternity."
Especially detested among bartenders are the snappers, the clappers, the shouters, and the money-wavers.
"I'm not a stripper, I'm a bartender," said Zaidain.
Rule 2. Don't look like a suspect stiffer
If you ask for the bargains, you might as well be saying, I don't tip.
"If you ask what's cheapest, I'm not coming back to you any more." Meister stated.
It may seem like a Catch-22 in the making: Bartenders ignore the presumed thrifty; the thrifty get bad service; the thrifty leave a bad tip.
However, Zaidain observed that penny pinchers generally don't take discounts into account when it comes to leaving the tip.
"Percentages don't matter when you bartend," Zaidain said. "A dollar per drink is expected."
After all, Zaidain noted, the bartenders have to pay out their co-bartenders, barbacks, and doorperson.
The least you can do is leave the change from your bottled beer. "If you take your quarter back, you're done," said Meister.
Rule 3. Get over yourself.
Don't request free drinks.
"I hate it when [customers] spill their drink and they want a free one," said Kempton. "No, you don't get a free one. I didn't spill it; it's your fault. I'll give you a towel."
Also keep in mind that every day is someone's birthday.
"If you're an ugly girl, don't ask for a free birthday shot," Meister stated. "Those are for hot girls."
Rule 4. Leave the mixing to the professionals
For starters, don't ask them to make it stronger.
According to Jeffers, this is a bartending amenity reserved for friends. Otherwise, confessed other bartenders, stronger-drink-seeking customers run the risk of getting a weaker pour.
Don't request less ice or less mixer, either.
"Listen, you're not gonna get any more liquor if you have less ice," said Geoff Bommer, another University District bartender. "That's not the case at all."
Similar insinuations that 'tenders can't properly pour won't go far in making friends behind the bar.
Meister said he wouldn't tolerate the Do you make a good martini? question.
"Yeah, I can chill vodka with the best of them," he muttered.
Furthermore, he straight up refuses to serve buttery nipples or amaretto sours for guys. But that's more out of supporting a customer's own self-respect, he said.
Rule 5. At last call, leave
"Don't ask for four drinks at last call," said Ruth Thurgood, a Columbus College of Art and Design student and bartender near campus. "You get one. You're one person."
Unless...
"Unless you're trying to sleep with the bartender," Meister said.
Or else...
Of course, some customers are holding on to that original doctrine of server mission statements. Customers will still pay separately, they will still keep track of who's in line, they may want to order multiple shots of different flavors. Yet such rebellion will be punished.
"It is definitely the bartenders' court," said Ally Vurignac, an OSU graduate. She added that girls who use cleavage as compensation are mistaken. "[Bartenders] wait on the people who they see tip more."
From customers' perspective, however, the requests are simple.
Dorian Williams, former OSU student, is content "as long as my beer's cold and there's booze in my drinks."
Oh, and one last piece of advice:
"Don't ask us what our real job is," said Meister.
Originally Published: July 15, 2009
