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Fashion Police
Suck It In
All right Emo children, this is my chance to rant: nut-crushing, sausage-packing, skin-sucking jeans are NOT acceptable if you're a male - period. I've freakin' had enough of 'em. I know it's cool in your circle of gloom, but do you ENJOY wearing Saran Wrap? Girls, a sensitive guy is good, but not if by sensitive you mean he can feel a fly on his junk through his jeans; neither is it cool that it probably takes him nearly as long to stuff himself into those things as it does for the average chick to put on makeup. I can't yell at you for the boxers hanging out of your pants (which I also can't stand) because quite frankly, there probably wasn't room for them ... but I also couldn't yell at you because you'll most likely start crying.
Nineties Naval Nightmare
My mother wore something like this when my father came back from serving overseas - it seemed a fitting naval, special-occasion attire ... back in the early 90's. Wait - are those shoulder pads I see, too? Unless you're a small prey animal trying to appear bigger, or playing a full-contact sport, shoulder pads are not only unnecessary but a wide-load hazard to those walking too close to you. I didn't see you from the front, but I can imagine those blown-up bangs and bobbed cut that were popular then. Any number of people who lived fashion conscious [in the early 90s] will tell you now that it's not worth repeating, especially if it risks you getting caught in a bike chain and biting the big one.
Rubber Bum
Ya know, I've never been a fan of those one-piece mini-dresses when worn with a pair of blue jeans, it's like Christmas lights in the summer, it just looks stupid. Now we have a whole new dimension of ar-tardedness when you throw in the horse-stall mucker look, because let's face it, even rubber boots designed for rainy days (which there was no rain that day) have some fashion design to them - only sh*t boots are black. Have some sense of style when walking on High Street - toss an extra pair of shoes for the day in your car - unless you want the bums to quit bugging you for change by throwing an outfit together like that.
Originally Published: July 15, 2009
