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Hollywood Roundup
By VR Bryant
With Halloween so fresh in my mind, it almost seems crass to be referencing pop culture. It's kind of like offering popcorn to a guy who works at a movie theater. Once you've seen seven different and distinct individuals dress up (intentionally) like Jon Gosselin in the span of 48 hours, you almost just want to forget the whole thing. Almost. Yet the thirst for blood prevails. On your mark, get set ...
Heidi Klum is lucky to be alive
I'm not even a woman and I kind of want to slap Heidi Klum. It'd be more impacting if I could accompany these 142 words with the photographs in question, but you're just going to have to trust me. Or take the nine seconds and do a Google search. Anyway, some photos of the "Project Runway" host were released recently - photos evidently from a coffee table book entitled "Heidilicious" put forth by famed photographer Whocares McWhatshisname. What's the big deal? Well, we're talking about a mother of three who's pushing forty who can still get away with dousing her naked body with chocolate sauce and posing for a camera. I've seen girls get nasty looks for wearing denim-print lycra pants in public. The fact that Mrs. Seal hasn't been bumped off by some jealous plumper means she's clearly a witch. Burn her!
What savages are we ...
... when we allow so shameless and derogatory an act as DirecTV's use of Chris Farley's holy image to promote its product to go unpunished? If you're as yet unaware, DirecTV released recently a couple new versions of its popular campaign of commercial spots - the ones that take famous scenes from movies and try really, really hard to recreate them from the perspective of the actor that still somewhat resembles his/her former self (I'm looking at you, Kim Basinger). In this case, it's the 'fat guy in a little coat' scene from "Tommy Boy" (1995), with David Spade the obvious culprit. The uproar, then, is that the image of Farley in the role of Tommy Calahan is graven and should not be perverted in the name of advertising. I respect the man's memory and all, but really, people. One, his family consented to the ad; two, Farley isn't JFK; and three, shut your sanctimonious face holes and get a life.
Amy Winehouse lives
And you thought Halloween was over. What's amusing about this story (and I'll get to it in just a moment) is that it's a story at all. Amy Winehouse, rock goblin extraordinaire, recently received elective cosmetic surgery to augment the size of her breasts. Now, ordinarily, I don't think anyone would care. The problem is that using words 'Winehouse' and 'ordinary' in the same sentence is kind of like tugging at a loose thread at the corner of the universe - you're right at the cusp of unmaking existence. However, we can at least use this opportunity to update an antiquated saying. Now, rather than something being "as useless as tits on a bull," you can say "Amy Winehouse" instead. Oh, who am I kidding? I'd hit it with a sledgehammer.
Originally Published: November 4, 2009
