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Ways a Buckeye Can Kill a Wolverine

From the creator of the “Ways a Buckeye Can Kill a Gator” Facebook Group.

We here on campus catch a lot of flak for how “wimpy” our mascot is. The comments of Michigan fans rain down on us. “You are a nut.” “Your mascot can’t do anything.” “What’s a Brutus?” Little do they know how many scientific ways there are for a little Buckeye to kill a “vicious” Wolverine.

A Buckeye could fall off a tree, striking the Wolverine on the head, causing a massive brain hemorrhage.

A Buckeye could roll down a large hill, striking the Wolverine with enough force to cause it to tumble off a cliff and fall 13 stories into a pit full of stalagmites.

A Buckeye could fall from a tree with enough force to pull the trigger on a taser, shocking the Wolverine and rendering its nervous system useless.

A Buckeye could befriend John Glenn and use his political ties to sentence a Wolverine to death by the electric chair.

A Buckeye could be launched from a slingshot and enter the left nostril of a Wolverine, lodging itself in the breathing passages, causing death.

A Wolverine could step on a Buckeye, consequently losing its balance and tumbling into a volcano.

A Buckeye could fall on the head on a ferocious lion, angering him. He turns to see a passing Wolverine and promptly rips its face off.

A Buckeye could fall from a tree, breaking the repeat button on a boom box, causing it to play the same Spice Girls song for 13 hours until the Wolverine finally kills itself.

A Buckeye could lure a Wolverine onto Campus where he will surely be subsequently struck by a campus bus.

A Buckeye could lure a Wolverine into living in Mirror Lake, where it would understandably mutate into a huge Godzilla-like beast and authorities would shoot the Mega-Wolverine to death with several bazookas.

A Buckeye could lure a Wolverine into the Conservatory where Colonel Mustard promptly delivers a crushing blow to the skull with a candlestick.

A Wolverine could go to the vet for a refill of his medication. A Buckeye crashes through the window, knocking three Valium capsules into the Wolverine's diuretic, along with the remains of the Doctor's Capri Sun. These three substances cause several violent reactions and result in an accidental overdose for the Wolverine.

A Wolverine could order a box of Buckeyes off EBay. The Buckeyes are shipped in a tremendous amount of bubble wrap. Upon opening the package, the Wolverine begins to pop the bubbles. One pop leads to six, which leads to a sheet, and before long the Wolverine is rolling around on the bubble wrap. The Wolverine accidentally swallows some, trying to pop it with its teeth, and dies.

Clearly, the Ohio State Buckeyes have nothing to fear in the category of “Better Mascot.” This Saturday, the Buckeyes will prove that their team is still the best in the conference.

Originally Published: November 14, 2007

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