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Show them your ol?© face!

The new style in American manhood

By Bob Paschen

The last time the moustache was cool it was the early ‘80s and it had something to do with Burt Reynolds. But grab onto your handlebars, gents, the stash is back.

There’s a new festive flavor-saver sweeping the country and it’s related to a truly American holiday—Cinco de Mayo.

Yes, Cinco de Mayo is an American holiday. No one in Mexico celebrates May 5.

Cinco de Mayo—repeat it with me—does not honor Mexican independence. That’s September 15. May 5 refers to a small, rather obscure victory against French troops by the Mexican army in 1862 in Puebla, a town a 100 miles east of Mexico City.

How did Cinco de Mayo become one of the fastest growing party celebrations in the country?

No one really knows. It probably has something to do with the continued Hispanic influence on American culture. But the fact remains that May 5 is turning into one of the biggest party days at bars and college campuses nationwide.

So, how best to fiesta on Cinco de Mayo? Sure, you can eat guacamole and nachos, guzzle margaritas and Corona, and go shot for shot of tequila with your friends. But there’s a new way, and it really gets you into the spirit of this faux-liday.

It’s called Cinco de Moustache.

It’s simple.

Step 1. After Easter, don’t shave.

Step. 2 Wait two weeks.

Step 3. On May 5, shape your facial hair into a stash.

Step 4. Enjoy, compare with friends, drink.

What’s great about Cinco de Moustache is that it’s a non-discriminatory event. You don’t have to try to grow a Pancho Villa moustachio. Any stash is cash.

For example:

The Magnum P.I.—traditional

The Doc Holiday—thick with sides; soul patch optional

The Handlebar—a favorite with bikers (sometimes referred to as the El Camino)

The Fu Manchu—Like a mullet for your face; short on top, long on the sides, but Asian

The Imperial—Moustache that incorporates cheek hair, curled upward.

The Pencil—Thin, sometimes creepy, sometimes cool; depends on the man

The Salvador Dali—Narrow with long points; curls, waxing required

The Walrus—A super bushy, elephantitic, unwaxed handlebar

The Frida Kahlo—Strictly for the ladies

The Hitler—Never, ever, ever, ever grow this. Never funny. Only time one man made a grooming technique eternally taboo.

The Dirty Dirty—Handle bar moustache with two-days beard stubble.

As of the first day this issue hits the stands, men, you have two weeks to get growing. Then, trim whiskers to your style, add lime, tequila, and Mexican beer. And voila, you’ve got yourself a truly American Cinco De Moustache.

I almost forgot: Take pictures of your best Cinco de Moustache and send them to me at editor@uweekly.com, and we’ll try to publish the best May 5 stash. Oh yeah, I’m growing one, too. Olé.

Originally Published: April 19, 2006

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