In a world of so many unattractive people, it’s tough to be a pimping motherfucker.  You get a lot of haters, ya feel me?  But I don’t let them haters bring me down, cause I know all them fine b*tches and hoes wanna get on me.  I know fo’sho.  How do you know if the hoes want your dick?  Let me count the ways..

SHES JUST THAT INTO YOU:

IF…She has a boyfriend.
So what if her boyfriend is on the football team?  You noticed that glance she gave you last week. She asked to borrow YOUR pencil. She’s always sitting in the same room as you at the same time. Coincidence?  I think not. She pretends she’s there for class but you know better.  Bitch can’t fool you. She probably just signed up for that class with the premonition that you’d be in it. Just cause everyone says her boyfriend is way more attractive and has a much better personality, doesn’t mean she’s not flirting. Guess she’s just into unattractive boring guys…Score!

IF…She’s your bartender.
She sure is pulling one over on all those other sad pathetic losers.  Thank god I’m here to give her some REAL man-time.  I see her eyeing my popped collar and blinged out cross necklace.  That’s right babe, Jesus protects this sh*t.  Now why don’t you come home with me so we can give Jesus something worth dying for?  Oh yea, she likes it.  Everytime I give her money she serves me drinks.  She’s just trying to get me drunk so she can take advantage of me.  She’s a sly one…

IF…She had to find out from her friends that you two hooked up.
Aw, how sweet.  She blocked it out of her memory just cause she was so scared of being rejected by me. God, women always get so attached.

IF…She’s a blow up doll.
I’ve seen Toy Story 3.  I know the drill.  You come alive all over the place, baby. And don’t worry sweetheart, I know that mouth is open just for me, and I feel the same way for you.  You’re the only woman I’ve ever been able to tolerate living with.  I think its because I keep you stuffed in my closet.  Let’s make sweet sweet love till the cows come home…Or until South Park comes on.  Oh, I just love the way you squeak against my skin.

IF…She’s a lesbian.
Okay, I know, I know.  You turned to women cause you couldn’t get any guys.  But I’m here now, I’m telling you I’m willing to have sex with you, so you can be straight again.  No, really, it’s okay.  Why are you looking at me like that?  Not all men are terrible!  I just said I’d do you!  Now go get your girlfriend and let’s go back to my place.

Chuckin’ a deuce,

Betty

Betty for Bros is a new feature in which Betty gives advice to bros. This week, she teaches bros how to land another bro’s girl. Rememeber, just cause she can’t change her Facebook status to “Fooling Around With Other People,” doesn’t mean it can’t be true.

You meet a beautiful girl, she’s flirting with you, you’re talking for a while…My god, you could be having sex with this girl right now.  If only your Economics professor would leave.  Not a problem, you know what you’re doing.  Be smooth.  Facebook friend her after class.  Send her a really classy message like, “Hey, I had fun with you today, we should hang out sometime.”  Girls love that.  So you look her up on Facebook only to find…BAM, “In a Relationship with…” some guy with a name a lot less cool than yours.  She clearly doesn’t want to be with this guy.  This guy’s name is “Steve.”  Screw Steve, man!  No man, screw Steve’s girlfriend!  That’s the plan.

Step 1)  Avoid boyfriend conversation, make “friends”.
Don’t say anything that could possibly make her say, “Oh, my boyfriend does that!”  Don’t facebook friend her, don’t come on too strong.  As far as she’s concerned, you have no idea she has a boyfriend, and you don’t care.  You just want to be “friends.” After all, it’s not wrong to hang out with someone who’s just a “friend.”   That’s what she tells herself to justify flirting with you.  If she wants to believe that, fine, let her.  She can believe that right up to the point where you’re taking her pants off.  Hell, she can even believe it during.  “What, you don’t get naked with all your friends?  No no, that’s not my dick, that’s my Ëœfriendship stick.’  If it fits we’ll be friends forever!”

Step 2) Wait to ask for her number
If you ask for it too soon, you break the friendship code.  Talk to her a few times first.    Get to know each other.  Don’t make it seem so obvious that you’re only talking to her cause she’s fucking hot.  Find one thing you have in common.  “Oh my god, you have eyes?  I have eyes!  We should go see a movie!”  Or maybe a casual, “Hey, I’m gonna go grab some lunch, wanna come?”  If she wants to come you’re already half way there.

Step 3) Be the perfect man.  
When you’re with her, be friendly to everyone.  Give things to homeless people, even if it’s just random things like soap or crack.  If you see a guy being a jerk to a girl, step in and stop him.  She will want to reward you with sex.  Make this girl think you’re the kind of guy she SHOULD be with, not this silly boyfriend.  Remember, this boyfriend guy had it coming.  Sharing was something we learned in kindergarten.  Spread the love, bro.

Step 4)  Don’t flirt.
Not even a little.  Avoid flirting so much that she actually thinks you’re not attracted to her.   It will give her really low self-esteem.  Nothing gets a girl into bed faster than a good old dose of low self-esteem.

Step 5)  Get her drunk.
“Hey, do you want to go to this party on Saturday?”  Ah yes, alcohol.  The excuse she needs!  When she tries to rationalize sleeping with you the next morning, it will all be okay, because she was drunk!  There was nothing she could have done.  Forces of the world just brought you together.  Forces named Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo.  You both take shots and start dancing.  You somehow end up in a dark room together.  How did that happen?  I don’t know, but you will grab her and start kissing.

Step 6)  Don’t ask.
Don’t be “that guy.”  Don’t do the awkward, “Hey, would it be cool if I kissed you now…” Because, no.  It won’t be.  Do you know why?  Because you just made things really awkward.  Don’t give her time to remember, “Oh wait, I have a boyfriend.”  Don’t give it an introduction; hooking up doesn’t have to be properly introduced.  It’s not your grandmother.  It’s not a family friend.  It’s some random guy on the street asking you for a condom.  You’re both wasted, all you have to do is get your face close enough to hers, and by that time nobody’s confused as to what’s going to happen next.

Step 7) Find out.
Well, that was fun. You get to feel really good about yourself for a few hours before realizing “Crap, now I have to see her in Economics on Monday.” Time for some damage control. Might as well try to come out of it as the good guy! If she tries to text you or talk to you about a follow up date, tell her you “just recently” found out about that boyfriend through Facebook, and feel morally obligated to ensure this never happens again. How dare she take advantage of you in such a way! Hey, faking morals is the next best thing to actually having morals! Oh well, I guess you’ll both just have to see other people. Thanks for the sex, though.

Broin’ Out

-Betty

Editor’s Note: We will soon change the blog to read “Ask Betty” as soon as we figure out how to do that. Until then, just be happy you’re getting more Betty.

This and Other Questions answered about the many insecurities caused by an unruly and rebellious penis. Leave your questions in the comments below!

We’ve often heard that a penis thinks with a mind of it’s own, but this phrase is usually used in the context of describing a man’s ravenous libido. But sometimes a man’s penis doesn’t have the mind of a sex-hungry tiger on the prowl. Sometimes a penis is more like a cat. Sometimes a penis gets sleepy and just wants to go to bed. We’ve all acknowledged the disconnect between a man and his penis, but it’s time to realize that occasionally it’s the man who wants to have sex, and the penis who just isn’t up for it.

Naturally, women find this very offensive. It’s like the equivalent of not answering the door for someone when they knock. They came all this way, they assumed they were an expected guest, they assumed you wanted their company. Then they get to the front door, and no matter how many times they knock, nobody answers. It’s rude to invite someone over when you’re not going to be home. Especially when they’re naked. Suddenly, the girl is wracking her brain with all the possible reasons penis is avoiding her, and none of them involve, “Maybe it’s just sleepy.”

In the meantime, the guy is doing everything he can to try to rectify the situation. He’s digging into his head, calling in for reinforcements, thinking of everything he’s ever masturbated to since middle school, and not even that pinup of Megan Fox in the superman outfit is doing anything.

The pressure is building, but unfortunately not in the right place, and the night ends with both parties staring at the ceiling contemplating their own inadequacies.

“He doesn’t find me attractive,” she thinks.

“Oh crap I’m broken,” he worries.

“Thank god,” thinks his roommate, who’s trying to sleep next door.

94% of men experience erectile dysfunction at one point or another. If you haven’t yet, don’t feel special, your time is most likely coming. (Or not cumming, as the case may be.)

There are a few obvious reasons a penis might be feeling down:

1) Stress. When one head is busy worrying about love, and life, and responsibility, the other isn’t feeling all too active. (The more active one head is, the less active the other will want to be)
2) It’s drunk. The guy is clearly still awake and coherent (enough), but penises are much smaller than men. There’s a good chance it’s already passed out and patiently awaiting it’s early morning hangover.
3) Performance anxiety. Picture this: An empty stage. It’s dark. The curtains open. A single spotlight shines down to reveal (dun-dun-dun)….penis. Shaking, nervous, alone, just trying to recall those moves it saw in that dirty movie, just hoping to do a good job. [Wondering how much faith he should put in the “Her Pleasure” condoms. Wondering what exactly the condom is doing that’s so pleasurable and if maybe he could try too.]
Strapping on his super cloak of guaranteed sexual gratification: The “Her Pleasure” condom. She’ll definitely enjoy it now. She has to. It says so on the box. You don’t really have to know what you’re doing if the condom is the one promising a good time. That kinda takes the edge off. But as penis stares wide-eyed into the glaring spotlight, something terrible happens. He gets stage-fright, forgets all his lines, and runs away. And there lies penis, our valiant tragic hero.

But dear friends, there is hope. For time (and circumstance) heal all wounds, and so we venture on: Towards life, liberty, and the pursuit of a happy penis.

-Betty
Betty will answer any and all romantic, sexual, or relationship advice you may have! ASK AWAY.

This week’s blog, I wanted to get on more of a serious topic. Domestic Violence. It’s everywhere, even where we would have never guessed.
Some people don’t even realize when they are in a relationship where they are being abused, some believe they deserve it, or they’re just too afraid to get out of the relationship. It’s sad to see people that come out of relationship’s where they feel they are forever damaged.
The damage is much more, if you stay in that type of relationship.

This was originally written for the “Abby’s Tough Love” Column.

I have been in a relationship with the same girl for the past (roughly) two years….
We were just to the point where we were apartment hunting together and talking about marriage for the near future… We argue sometimes but nothing serious. A couple nights ago, we got into an argument and things got heated, it started out over something really petty and not even worth fighting about, but she started raising her voice and I started raising my voice, so on and so forth.
Things got a little out of hand, and she was in my face screaming at me, I kept telling her to get out of my face and she wouldn’t. Something in me just finally snapped, and I  hit her. I honestly did not mean to and It was like I blacked out, but didn’t? I don’t know if that makes any sense. It’s just not in me to hit a female, it is not the way I was raised, and I have never done that before.

Now she doesn’t want anything to do with me, When I call her cell, I know shes just hanging up on it so it goes straight to voice mail after one or two rings. I want to make things right with her, and tell her I love her and that Im sorry, which I did tell her all that, but it was in  a message. I don’t know if she will ever speak to me again, or have any sort of contact with me. I just need her back in my life again, Its only been a couple of days and I’m miserable already. I don’t know what to do, Or what to say to get her back! Do you have any advice for my situation?

You need to get help. Don’t worry about getting her back in your life right now, worry about getting yourself the help that you need. I realize that you know what you did was wrong, but that does not change it from already happening. Its happened, and its happened to her, Not you. You have no idea what it was like for her to be hit by someone she trusts and loves.
I would advise that you seek professional help, something like anger management classes. Do it for the right reasons, not just because you want to be back in her life. I look at this way, You admitted yourself that it was over something petty that just escalated…. What could have happened if it was over something serious? I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but lets just be honest here. These kinds of things are not excusable, and you should really learn how to control yourself, Which anger management classes may help do that. Your lucky you didn’t land yourself in jail, which I believe you could have used a night or two to make you realize what you have done. You should be finding better resources that deal with situations as serious as this.
Your talking about how YOU feel MISERABLE? What the hell is that? How do you think she feels, think about what she is now going through! This is a big deal, your talking marriage with her and wanting to settle down and get a place together, yet you hit her…..already?  She is going through a lot right now, and you need to leave her alone! And focus on getting the help that you obviously need! There are resources out there, instead of calling her, call them!

National Domestic Violence Hot line: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit www.ndvh.org

 

I personally, have found myself in the position of loving/liking someone that didn’t like me back… No matter how hard I tried to be who I thought they would want me to be…I ultimately failed in more ways than one.

Losing yourself for another never seems to have a happy ending…. I had put so much time and effort into someone who probably wasn’t even worth looking twice at.

We get ourselves into these weird little worlds, where for some reason our brain’s do not function properly and we suddenly turn into putty. And we allow them to do what they want to us, with no repercussion. 

And it gets even shittier when they know how you feel about them and they take advantage of your kindness, or use you sexually.. Feeling as if they have the upper hand.

If you find yourself in this situation and you know this person has no feelings towards you, then just let it go… Maybe find some activities to occupy your time? It really isn’t worth it in the long run.

- Abby D.

 

Getting into a relationship requires work, well at least it used to….  there’s all that time to let emotions get involved, everything is new and exciting… It’s like you are a whole new person. Your Happy!
A couple months go by and you’re  starting to see all the little things you never saw before…. all their little habits you never really  knew about.
You’re  no longer screwin’ like jack rabbits, sex has slowed down to medium pace, and you are  starting to see a little more clearly.

Maybe this wasn’t what you thought it would be? A little much going on, and you’re  ready for “space”.
You’re  with them day in and day out, and quite frankly you’re  sick of them…. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t love them or don’t want to be with them… maybe you just need to have time for yourself to be an individual.
You don’t always have to be shoved up someone’s  ass when your in a relationship. You should still have time for you, and do things that you enjoy.

So…. if you’re feeling kind of blah because you forgot what it was like to enjoy something you used to like doing, or are a little independent (like myself) and you just want a moment to yourself… but still want to be in a steady relationship… find ways to tell them without being hurtful. It can be very difficult to tell someone that you’re getting into a funk because you need some alone time..  just don’t be afraid of being vocal about it. For all you know, they might be feeling the same exact way? 

Or if you have just had your fill of that person, it’s probably  time to send em’ packin’.

-Abby D.

Since everyone else is doing it…. I might as well do it too.
Yes, I know it’s everywhere… turn on the radio, the t.v., logging in your email… its there.
We all know, Michael Jackson has died. 

I think just about everyone I spoke to about it had a negative reaction and could give a shit less about it. Which is fine, most people don’t really get affected by someone dying that they don’t even know and/or like. 

But, I am a music fanatic. And I have to admit, when I found out, there was a sad moment for me where I felt a little tear tryin’ to creep out, but I reminded myself that I don’t have that emotion, so there was quick recovery. Growing up, MJ was the shit. There really was nothing else like him, and I will admit he is on my playlist. Ya, I said it. There’s nothin’ like gettin’ in the car, rollin’ the windows down and putting in my “Jackson Mix”. Cruising the streets, hanging your head out of the window…. screamin’  “it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right, Just BEAT IT”… feeling like such a bad ass. Okay maybe not a bad ass. 

I always pretended I was in some awesomely bad ass gang and there was this other awesomely bad ass gang and we stormed through the streets at night with our “members only” jackets on & way too much gel in our hair  then we came face to face and pull out our switch blades and have an awesomely gay (not in a homosexual way at all) dance off. And then Michael Jackson breaks it up and we follow him down the street just beatin’ it.   

Yeah.. I think that’s actually the video. 

Just showing Mike some love. This is how I’d like to remember him. Not looking freakishly weird. 

 

 I’m done now.

Single? Yeah its rough,  a lot of high expectations anymore. Too many people have been burnt and are maybe raising the standards in what they really want.
I’m single. By choice. I think I am just way to stuck in my ways of being independent, I enjoy it too much. And I think I expect too much.

Or do I? Here’s my list… this is what the perfect guy to me would be…….

- I want the kind of guy whos not afraid to embarrass himself to entertain me in public.

- It would be really nice if he had a job, I don’t really care what he does, Just having a job would be    nice.

- I want the kind of guy that would just about make me pee myself from his hilarious-ness (ya, thats my word bitches)

- He needs to have a hobby, and no, masturbation does not count.

- Motivation- I cannot stand someone who is lazy, or procrastinates. Its annoying. Just do what you gotta do and get the shit done.

- I want the kind of guy who doesn’t care who’s around, he’s going to treat me just the same….

- He needs to be independent, I don’t want him up my ass 24/7… Needs to have his own friends, go hang out with them and not just sit on the couch with me all the time.

So There. That’s all I want. And its not that bad. But I will stick with being single for now. I enjoy my freedom a bit too much.

Do we make it too difficult though? Not open enough to something different, something new to learn about?
Well then maybe you should make a list on what you want in a guy/girl?  Some people find it much easier to write about what they don’t want, rather then what they do want. Weird… I know.

So your dating, and you think this is really heading somewhere great, Right? Your getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see him/her, you jump when the phone rings… Your gushing to all your friends about how wonderful it all is… and you think you both have reached the point, where you must say those three “little” words…. I Love You.

Something in your mind is making you wonder if you should really say it… Will they freak out and run if I say it?  Will this be the end of something really spectacular?  When is it the appropriate time to say it? I don’t think there ever really is… Actions speak louder than words, if you treat them like you love them, then they know you love them or care very deeply for them.  A lot of people think once they are dating, that a few months in they just automatically have to say those words. Because that’s just what comes next? When maybe its not even on that level yet. Don’t be so quick to slap the word love on a relationship that isn’t worthy of  it! Too many relationships go sour because they just want to be loved, want to feel adored or just want to hear someone say it to them, instead of knowing that they actually love that person. 

Be sure of what you’re feeling before you go jumpin’ the gun and chase someone off. If things are going great the way they are, then leave it. Saying “I love You” , those are just words… showing someone you really love them… That’s what love is all about. 

- Abby D.

 

A lot of people all around the world are disabled. They struggle through the challenge of each new day.  Some people don’t really get how hard it is, and would rather stare and feel sorry for them, then to just try to understand.
There are even people in this world that are  sick, and feel the need to mock someone’s disability to humor themselves.

Growing up, for me, was different from anyone else I knew. Both of my parents were disabled. My mother was born with Cerebral Palsy in her legs, which made walking very difficult for her. Which was caused by using forceps to her head when she was born, that caused brain damage and they  broke her back when they were pulling her out. The doctors didn’t know her back was broken until it was too late.
Doctors told her Mother that she would never walk, never have children, never do the things she would want to do, she defied the odds.  Because she walks, though it may look different than how you and I walk, she had children, she has lived a very busy life, doing things she never thought she would be able to do. Though she is limited, she has gotten farther than anyone ever thought she could.
My father was a severe diabetic,  in his later years he lost 80% of his vision because of it. He had to use a walking stick and had a pilot dog.  Also, had a stroke and minor heart attacks . A massive heart attack is what eventually took his life six years ago, at the age of 52.

People with Disabilities are labeled as “Handicapped”…. I have always believed that the people that do not take the time to understand and would rather make fun of them and humiliate them are the ones who should be labeled with the handicap. Because they are the ones with disabled minds.

I see a lot of people stare at my mother when she walks, she gets really embarrassed about going into public places because she knows that people stare.
I don’t get the point in that I guess. I suppose it is because I am “educated” when it comes to people that are different, and I have an understanding about it, that not many people do.
Im not trying to sound like some public service announcement or anything… But I feel that too many people in this world sit in judgment of one another, and maybe if you just stop and think about what someone else has had to struggle through, what humiliation they have had to get through have made them a whole lot stronger than you ever could be.

I guess you could think of it this way…. Imagine getting married one day and having a child with a disability, How would it make you feel if people were constantly staring and making fun of your child? Probably changes your perspective to look at it that way??

- Abby D.