This week’s blog, I wanted to get on more of a serious topic. Domestic Violence. It’s everywhere, even where we would have never guessed.
Some people don’t even realize when they are in a relationship where they are being abused, some believe they deserve it, or they’re just too afraid to get out of the relationship. It’s sad to see people that come out of relationship’s where they feel they are forever damaged.
The damage is much more, if you stay in that type of relationship.

This was originally written for the “Abby’s Tough Love” Column.

I have been in a relationship with the same girl for the past (roughly) two years….
We were just to the point where we were apartment hunting together and talking about marriage for the near future… We argue sometimes but nothing serious. A couple nights ago, we got into an argument and things got heated, it started out over something really petty and not even worth fighting about, but she started raising her voice and I started raising my voice, so on and so forth.
Things got a little out of hand, and she was in my face screaming at me, I kept telling her to get out of my face and she wouldn’t. Something in me just finally snapped, and I  hit her. I honestly did not mean to and It was like I blacked out, but didn’t? I don’t know if that makes any sense. It’s just not in me to hit a female, it is not the way I was raised, and I have never done that before.

Now she doesn’t want anything to do with me, When I call her cell, I know shes just hanging up on it so it goes straight to voice mail after one or two rings. I want to make things right with her, and tell her I love her and that Im sorry, which I did tell her all that, but it was in  a message. I don’t know if she will ever speak to me again, or have any sort of contact with me. I just need her back in my life again, Its only been a couple of days and I’m miserable already. I don’t know what to do, Or what to say to get her back! Do you have any advice for my situation?

You need to get help. Don’t worry about getting her back in your life right now, worry about getting yourself the help that you need. I realize that you know what you did was wrong, but that does not change it from already happening. Its happened, and its happened to her, Not you. You have no idea what it was like for her to be hit by someone she trusts and loves.
I would advise that you seek professional help, something like anger management classes. Do it for the right reasons, not just because you want to be back in her life. I look at this way, You admitted yourself that it was over something petty that just escalated…. What could have happened if it was over something serious? I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but lets just be honest here. These kinds of things are not excusable, and you should really learn how to control yourself, Which anger management classes may help do that. Your lucky you didn’t land yourself in jail, which I believe you could have used a night or two to make you realize what you have done. You should be finding better resources that deal with situations as serious as this.
Your talking about how YOU feel MISERABLE? What the hell is that? How do you think she feels, think about what she is now going through! This is a big deal, your talking marriage with her and wanting to settle down and get a place together, yet you hit her…..already?  She is going through a lot right now, and you need to leave her alone! And focus on getting the help that you obviously need! There are resources out there, instead of calling her, call them!

National Domestic Violence Hot line: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit www.ndvh.org

 

I personally, have found myself in the position of loving/liking someone that didn’t like me back… No matter how hard I tried to be who I thought they would want me to be…I ultimately failed in more ways than one.

Losing yourself for another never seems to have a happy ending…. I had put so much time and effort into someone who probably wasn’t even worth looking twice at.

We get ourselves into these weird little worlds, where for some reason our brain’s do not function properly and we suddenly turn into putty. And we allow them to do what they want to us, with no repercussion. 

And it gets even shittier when they know how you feel about them and they take advantage of your kindness, or use you sexually.. Feeling as if they have the upper hand.

If you find yourself in this situation and you know this person has no feelings towards you, then just let it go… Maybe find some activities to occupy your time? It really isn’t worth it in the long run.

- Abby D.

 

Getting into a relationship requires work, well at least it used to….  there’s all that time to let emotions get involved, everything is new and exciting… It’s like you are a whole new person. Your Happy!
A couple months go by and you’re  starting to see all the little things you never saw before…. all their little habits you never really  knew about.
You’re  no longer screwin’ like jack rabbits, sex has slowed down to medium pace, and you are  starting to see a little more clearly.

Maybe this wasn’t what you thought it would be? A little much going on, and you’re  ready for “space”.
You’re  with them day in and day out, and quite frankly you’re  sick of them…. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t love them or don’t want to be with them… maybe you just need to have time for yourself to be an individual.
You don’t always have to be shoved up someone’s  ass when your in a relationship. You should still have time for you, and do things that you enjoy.

So…. if you’re feeling kind of blah because you forgot what it was like to enjoy something you used to like doing, or are a little independent (like myself) and you just want a moment to yourself… but still want to be in a steady relationship… find ways to tell them without being hurtful. It can be very difficult to tell someone that you’re getting into a funk because you need some alone time..  just don’t be afraid of being vocal about it. For all you know, they might be feeling the same exact way? 

Or if you have just had your fill of that person, it’s probably  time to send em’ packin’.

-Abby D.

Since everyone else is doing it…. I might as well do it too.
Yes, I know it’s everywhere… turn on the radio, the t.v., logging in your email… its there.
We all know, Michael Jackson has died. 

I think just about everyone I spoke to about it had a negative reaction and could give a shit less about it. Which is fine, most people don’t really get affected by someone dying that they don’t even know and/or like. 

But, I am a music fanatic. And I have to admit, when I found out, there was a sad moment for me where I felt a little tear tryin’ to creep out, but I reminded myself that I don’t have that emotion, so there was quick recovery. Growing up, MJ was the shit. There really was nothing else like him, and I will admit he is on my playlist. Ya, I said it. There’s nothin’ like gettin’ in the car, rollin’ the windows down and putting in my “Jackson Mix”. Cruising the streets, hanging your head out of the window…. screamin’  “it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right, Just BEAT IT”… feeling like such a bad ass. Okay maybe not a bad ass. 

I always pretended I was in some awesomely bad ass gang and there was this other awesomely bad ass gang and we stormed through the streets at night with our “members only” jackets on & way too much gel in our hair  then we came face to face and pull out our switch blades and have an awesomely gay (not in a homosexual way at all) dance off. And then Michael Jackson breaks it up and we follow him down the street just beatin’ it.   

Yeah.. I think that’s actually the video. 

Just showing Mike some love. This is how I’d like to remember him. Not looking freakishly weird. 

 

 I’m done now.

Single? Yeah its rough,  a lot of high expectations anymore. Too many people have been burnt and are maybe raising the standards in what they really want.
I’m single. By choice. I think I am just way to stuck in my ways of being independent, I enjoy it too much. And I think I expect too much.

Or do I? Here’s my list… this is what the perfect guy to me would be…….

- I want the kind of guy whos not afraid to embarrass himself to entertain me in public.

- It would be really nice if he had a job, I don’t really care what he does, Just having a job would be    nice.

- I want the kind of guy that would just about make me pee myself from his hilarious-ness (ya, thats my word bitches)

- He needs to have a hobby, and no, masturbation does not count.

- Motivation- I cannot stand someone who is lazy, or procrastinates. Its annoying. Just do what you gotta do and get the shit done.

- I want the kind of guy who doesn’t care who’s around, he’s going to treat me just the same….

- He needs to be independent, I don’t want him up my ass 24/7… Needs to have his own friends, go hang out with them and not just sit on the couch with me all the time.

So There. That’s all I want. And its not that bad. But I will stick with being single for now. I enjoy my freedom a bit too much.

Do we make it too difficult though? Not open enough to something different, something new to learn about?
Well then maybe you should make a list on what you want in a guy/girl?  Some people find it much easier to write about what they don’t want, rather then what they do want. Weird… I know.

So your dating, and you think this is really heading somewhere great, Right? Your getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see him/her, you jump when the phone rings… Your gushing to all your friends about how wonderful it all is… and you think you both have reached the point, where you must say those three “little” words…. I Love You.

Something in your mind is making you wonder if you should really say it… Will they freak out and run if I say it?  Will this be the end of something really spectacular?  When is it the appropriate time to say it? I don’t think there ever really is… Actions speak louder than words, if you treat them like you love them, then they know you love them or care very deeply for them.  A lot of people think once they are dating, that a few months in they just automatically have to say those words. Because that’s just what comes next? When maybe its not even on that level yet. Don’t be so quick to slap the word love on a relationship that isn’t worthy of  it! Too many relationships go sour because they just want to be loved, want to feel adored or just want to hear someone say it to them, instead of knowing that they actually love that person. 

Be sure of what you’re feeling before you go jumpin’ the gun and chase someone off. If things are going great the way they are, then leave it. Saying “I love You” , those are just words… showing someone you really love them… That’s what love is all about. 

- Abby D.

 

A lot of people all around the world are disabled. They struggle through the challenge of each new day.  Some people don’t really get how hard it is, and would rather stare and feel sorry for them, then to just try to understand.
There are even people in this world that are  sick, and feel the need to mock someone’s disability to humor themselves.

Growing up, for me, was different from anyone else I knew. Both of my parents were disabled. My mother was born with Cerebral Palsy in her legs, which made walking very difficult for her. Which was caused by using forceps to her head when she was born, that caused brain damage and they  broke her back when they were pulling her out. The doctors didn’t know her back was broken until it was too late.
Doctors told her Mother that she would never walk, never have children, never do the things she would want to do, she defied the odds.  Because she walks, though it may look different than how you and I walk, she had children, she has lived a very busy life, doing things she never thought she would be able to do. Though she is limited, she has gotten farther than anyone ever thought she could.
My father was a severe diabetic,  in his later years he lost 80% of his vision because of it. He had to use a walking stick and had a pilot dog.  Also, had a stroke and minor heart attacks . A massive heart attack is what eventually took his life six years ago, at the age of 52.

People with Disabilities are labeled as “Handicapped”…. I have always believed that the people that do not take the time to understand and would rather make fun of them and humiliate them are the ones who should be labeled with the handicap. Because they are the ones with disabled minds.

I see a lot of people stare at my mother when she walks, she gets really embarrassed about going into public places because she knows that people stare.
I don’t get the point in that I guess. I suppose it is because I am “educated” when it comes to people that are different, and I have an understanding about it, that not many people do.
Im not trying to sound like some public service announcement or anything… But I feel that too many people in this world sit in judgment of one another, and maybe if you just stop and think about what someone else has had to struggle through, what humiliation they have had to get through have made them a whole lot stronger than you ever could be.

I guess you could think of it this way…. Imagine getting married one day and having a child with a disability, How would it make you feel if people were constantly staring and making fun of your child? Probably changes your perspective to look at it that way??

- Abby D.

Its always a good idea to remind yourself that you may not always get what you give….
There are times when you give someone 100% and if your lucky you end up with about 2% in return.
Its always been said that you should never give anything with the thought of getting something back from it. You should give whole hearted and not selfishly.

Well, I think I may fall into the category of selfish. Because its tiring being the doormat, and If I go out of my way to help someone, I would at least want a “thank you” out of it. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain situations where I would not think twice about being there for someone. But when it feels like they are not there for you emotionally… it just really sucks. After you have been there for them time and time again. People get so wrapped up in themselves anymore, and they are too busy to think of what someone else may be going through.

It’s been made entirely too easy for some, to just be able to take advantage, to think they are so deserving of your attention. When in reality they are not.
So if you are in a situation where you feel you are alone, and have no one that rushes to your side when you need a friend but you give, give and give to everyone around you…
I say, Don’t be the doormat anymore, you will only feel pathetic and alone! I have always thought, I would rather be alone by myself, then feel alone with someone by my side.

-Abby D.

Ugh the break up….

There are so many steps in the “breaking up process”.  Why does it have to be so difficult to basically tell someone ” I don’t want you anymore”. Sounds insensitive, but that is what you are saying. And its always so awkward, having to say “It’s not you, its me”. Or, I feel we are just going in different directions in our lives right now…. What a bunch of crap, do these people ever think if they would just tell the truth, Maybe, just maybe that person would like to hear it? Even as shitty as it sounds, I mean seriously try it. Some people just hang on thinking there is still a glimmer of hope because you didn’t just tell them why you really want to break up? Especially if you’ve found someone else, why lie about it? They are going to find out eventually which will suck for them even more, then they will call you and tell you what a lying sack of shit you are. 

Just think of all the time you would save by just sayin’ hey… you really get on my nerves, and I don’t think that anything your going to do will help it?  Just try to sound really nice when you say it!  Okay, I’m joking about that one. Anyways, I’ve added some great examples here below, on just what to say…  (And, No… I did not write these. I just think they are funny)

” This just isn’t for me. Nothing personal. I want to be able to tell people I’m single.”

“I really wish I could continue dating you, but I just don’t want to anymore.”

“We just grew apart I don’t need you anymore.”

“You talked about the future, and that freaked me out. It makes me sick to think about it.”

Okay, so maybe these aren’t the greatest examples?  Break up’s can be very time consuming if you don’t just tell them what you are really feeling.   I have been in one of those, when the poor sap was just hanging on for dear life, and I thought it would be best to just tell him some off the wall story about why I wanted to break up. Trust me, you will suffer more in the end if you don’t just give it a clean cut.  They will move on eventually, leave no room for false hope, let them know you really want them to move on.  And remember, it’s not always such a good idea to say… “Let’s just be friends”. Chances are, You won’t be.

 

You always hear stories of the brokenhearted, the hurt, all of the victims’  sad stories of what their boyfriends or girlfriends did to them to break their hearts. Why not talk to the heart breakers!  What do those douche bags have to say for themselves?  Well I wanted to find out,  I am doing today’s blog a little bit differently… I sat down and did an  interview with someone who admits to using a girl for sex, treating her as if they were in a relationship and then breaking her heart…. But wait… It all back fired on him… And now he is the lonely brokenhearted.
The saying is “What comes around…. goes around” and that is exactly what happened to this guy!

 Where did this all begin?

Well my girlfriend (at the time) who I was in love with, broke up with me… I went to a party (shortly after)  to get drunk with my friends… I ran into a girl there, that I knew from years ago, that I sort of dated for awhile , but we were teenagers at the time  it was nothing serious… I ended up getting drunk, one thing lead to another.. I wake up the next morning in her bed.
After that, she just kind of stuck around and I let her, I knew she liked me more than a friend, and I would kind of take her out on dates and everything… uhhh I guess I treated her like a girlfriend.  I never really told her I loved her or anything, I just didn’t say that I didn’t love her.
It went on a little longer than I wanted it to though, cause she got real clingy and would not leave me alone and stuff. I wanted to end it, but I wanted to be able to have sex whenever I wanted.
My ex ended up callin’ me and wanting to get back together, and we did. So I cut things off with the other girl, I knew she was upset, but I didn’t really let it bother me.
I was honest with my ex when she asked me who all I had been with when we were broke up, and I told her about the girl I was with, and I told her everything that went on, like Im doing now. The truth.
Then I found out she was just using me to have someone to stay with and hang out with for the summer while she was out of college.
She dumped me on my birthday… and now I have no one.

 Any regrets?
At first, yes… actually the whole time

What made you continue it, if you had regrets?  Because I knew I was using her… and I could get what I wanted.

Do you think you deserve being the brokenhearted one now?  Yeah, pretty much… not so much deserve, but I had it comin I knew it was wrong

Why would you do that to someone?  It was a free piece  of ass… honestly.. that’s basically why I did it.

Did you ever give any thought to how she would feel about it, knowing she was in love with you?  No i did not.

Would you do it again?   No, because I feel bad about it… obviously. .

Do you regret breaking things off with the girl you used for sex?  No… she was clingy, she got to wrapped up in it, I was just in it for the booty call factor of it.

How does it feel to have someone use you?  It sucks… If I would have thought about this before, its because I kept going back to her… doing it and doing it over and over again…

Do you think this has anything to do with Karma?  yep!   karma’s a bitch, always comes back for ya.

How do you feel about yourself?  I don’t know its like… it eats away at you… you use someone and now you cant get the one you wanted… I was just tired of waiting around, now I wish I would have waited…. kind of

So what now?  probably move on from both of them, Im not going to hang around and wait for the one i wanted to come back, and I’m not going  back to the other one… because it screwed me in the first place.

What would you recommend to someone that is doing this now, in the same situation?  Get out why the gettins’ good… it may be good now, but in the end it turns out bad… someone will get hooked then it will be impossible to get away.

Do you think that this had anything to do with just wanting to be in control?  No, I just liked feeling that someone needed me. Or wanted me…

So now the poor guy is all alone, I can’t say that I feel too bad for him. But I can say that this type of thing is common after a loss. Like a break up or even if someone close to you passes away, you have that void in your life, and some people will do what ever it takes to fill that empty space because they want so much to feel loved and needed and they may even do all this at someone else  expense.  Also, in his case he started out the one who was hurt and then basically inflicted that pain onto someone else. You can look at it in many different ways, the point is… It just isn’t right to treat other people like shit just because you feel like shit about yourself. Find other ways to get over your issues without hurting yourself or anyone else!